Today has been difficult.

I guess it’s to be expected.
I’ve had a couple of precious months where I almost felt stable. Good, bad, or ugly, I didn’t break down.

Last night I started to feel mentally wobbly and almost lost it over trash of all things.

This morning, I started out okay, but I have continually degraded as the day has aged. Now, just before 5pm, I feel like I’m ready to cry, scream, or do everything all at once.

I don’t know what changed over the past 48 hours. I can’t think of anything unique, additional stress, or medication change. Sleep, eating, and everything… have all remained the same.

Something has just gone dark in my frontal cortex. It feels like it’s growing, and I’m apprehensive. It actually feels anxiety-prickly.

It’s not a good place to be, which fuels the anxiety and apprehension.

Over the next couple of days, I’ll strive to keep the mind active. Jason will be around. Lunch with sister tomorrow. Lunch with family on Sunday. Who knows Monday. Tuesday is a series of appointments. Wednesday is a light trip with little sister. Thursday is PM check on the plumbing.

Class started yesterday. There’s a fresh batch of dumb craps in the gradebook.

Usual. Comfortable.

But I feel like I’m holding myself hostage.
There’s some unknown binding that I’m using to restrict myself from a semi-self acceptance.

I feel like I’m keeping myself from… from something. From feeling just the least bit satisfied? Content?

I see and predict nothing but negatives.

Anything that off sources is, ultimately, harmful and controlling.

Calculators diminished the ability to do math.
Cell phones mean phone numbers aren’t remembered.
Social media detracts from personal experience.
Email killed the art of handwriting.

Each time something is promoted to be positive, it’s something that people become reliant on and expect. It’s part of their ‘personal rights.’

Technology isn’t serving people.
Rather, people are the outer sex organs for technology.

Just as flowers use bees to pollinate, technology uses people to grow.

The bees perceive that they are helping the hive, but they are serving the queen.

The flowers take advantage of the literal hive mind to survive.

People certainly have a hive mind. They go about their entire lives with blinders.

So, who is the queen that is served?
How else will technology use humanity until humans aren’t needed any more?