I would have never picked “Here comes the sun” from the 1969 Beatles album – which is what played during my roughly three week old House commencement.  Trina, my illness absent primary therapist, chose it for me.  Kadie had to guide the ceremony – but there really wasn’t any need to – the elder clients were well-skilled in the ritual and the new girls were apt at watching them for direction – providing they wasn’t back for a second (or even third) round.  The commencement is fairly timeless – not in a good way, but because there’s little originality.   It makes me wonder if the powers-that-may-be even want to have a commencement (especially since they want to take away Build-a-Bear).

Anyways…
Part of my personal theme songs can be viewed at the bottom of this page.  Does Meredith Brooks know me or what?

Tally-
Doctor appointments have probably averaged about five per week.  Hopefully, this number should be dwindling down and even for about one-to-two appointments per week.  I don’t see the shrink letting me go anytime soon.  =)
The most recent appointment was yesterday for new glasses.  Dodged the bullet on that one to — the doctor said he didn’t recognize any damage from malnutrition.   The continue degrade of my eyesight is related to genetics.  Thanks Dad!

Anxiety has been kept uneasily in check.  It tends to appear when I least expect it or expect it the most.  Grocery shopping is the standard and great example.  I should -not- feel an undo fear of choosing between blackberry and strawberry jelly.  My heart should – not – start pounding when considering Greek vs. traditional yogurt.  Yet – it happens, but it seems to only occur for certain items, which change from visit to visit.
—  Anxiety also appears, shamelessly, during normal conversations.  Yesterday, mom commented I looked tired.  I immediately assured her I was – not – and would have done a handstand if I was physically able to.  Any comment that I could perceive as a personal physical weakness is rebuked without thought — even though I was exhausted.

Which brings us to sleep.  Sleep continues to be elusive.  Believe it or not, the best sleep I received in the past five or six years was at the House.  Now that I’m home, the old 2h awake an 2h asleep pattern has reemerged and does not seem to be going away soon.  I can’t help but wonder if the House’s white noise machines held some sort of subliminal messages.

Eating is and isn’t a challenge.  The family has been providing overly ample opportunities for me to practice eating at a variety of restaurants – ranging from Arbies, KFC, to local places, to expensive franchises like Texas Roadhouse.  I eat out at – least – once a day and often without option or choice.  If I know the place in advance, I research the heck out of their menu to find a ‘safe’ option.  I know research is “bad,” but it helps me from experiencing anxiety once we’re there – which helps relieve and build confidence with the family — especially since they don’t know I research first.

Eating causes body-image moments.  These do and do not happen.  When I brush my teeth – nah.  In the shower – maybe.  In the mirror – definitely.  When wearing my single and only size 2 pants (as I am right now)… heck yeah!  Body image moment = no good.  I’m telling myself it’s because of my edema (leg swelling) right now, but I can’t be sure.  In theory, I should be at the perfect height/weight combination.  I would like to stay here.

The family continues to be embarrassingly supportive.  My brother takes me grocery shopping.  My mom coerces me to go on outings.  Bill and I are, for the most part, getting along  – still trying to develop a solidified relationship with the sister — but I’m sure it’ll that’ll change – or I really hope I does.

Colleges/Jobs = 0
Bills starting to come due in about 26 days.
No panic, right?  It isn’t like I haven’t been looking.
However, just between you and me, I’m dreading going to work.
That’s part of what caused the anorexia.

I know it’ll be different this time, but what if I can’t stop?

Any-whos….  Mom will pop up for todays eating breakfast out somewhere (praying for egg whites) – and there’s some stuff I want to get done first – like changing out of these very uncomfortable pants…. /sigh.

All the best to everyone.

Like maybe I’m an angel underneath, innocent and sweet
Yesterday I cried, you must have been relieved to see the softer side
I can understand how you’d be so confused

I don’t envy you
I’m a little bit of everything
All rolled into one

=============
And my song —-

I’m a bitch, I’m a lover, I’m a child, I’m a mother
I’m a sinner, I’m a saint, I do not feel ashamed
I’m your hell, I’m your dream, I’m nothing in between
You know you wouldn’t want it any other way

So take me as I am
This may mean you’ll have to be a stronger man
Rest assured that when I start to make you nervous
And I’m going to extremes
Tomorrow I will change and today won’t mean a thing

Read more at http://www.songlyrics.com/alanis-morissette/i-am-a-bitch-i-m-a-lover-lyrics/#HRTVVbMCc0Hg1eRz.99