I’m really not to sure how long it’s been since I was released from the House.  Two months?  Three?  I guess it doesn’t matter – the whole situation seems surreal now.  It feels like it was a vague dream that has uncomfortable real life reminders.  I suppose its like dreaming of getting drunk and waking to find the same bottle of wine on the bedside.  Weird, but to difficult not to disbelieve.

I’m trying to rein in my gluttonous urges.   The S’Mores cereal is, thankfully gone.  Now on to a huge box of Corn Pops.  —  Is it just me or does Honeycomb and Corn Pops not taste as good as they did when we were children?  Trying hard not to consume the Blue Bunny strawberry/banana yogurt ice cream in one sitting.   Scared to open the cottage cheese or take the Cool Whip out of the freezer, although that’s silly.   Ten seconds or so would allow me to indulge in my Cool Whip binge.  (Add a little chocolate syrup for an extra treat.)

Well, at least you can say this for me, I know what triggers me.  Mostly creamy, sugary, smooth foods.    For some reason, yogurt doesn’t fall into that category.  I suppose I should be grateful for that.  Greek yogurt at roughly $1 per would really bust the bank account.

It’s hard not to binge- for some reason and I’m embarrassed to admit it.   It shouldn’t be hard.  There’s several things in my life that shouldn’t be hard – but they are – eating and making decisions for myself among the primary ones –  Not a problem making decisions for others   It’s not that I’m bossy –  Okay, maybe I am a little (a lot) but people go after what they want, not what they need.  I don’t know who appointed me judge and jury, but I try to give and help people obtain what they — need. —
—  Which is probably why I don’t have a lot of friends.

I’d speak to my shrink about it, but his office dropped me like a hot rock when they found out my insurance won’t cover them next year.  I guess that’s for the best, as I would have to had changed anyway – but I really liked the guy and looked forward to seeing him.  So that sucks.  I understand.  This isn’t a charity, but it still sucks.

Current challenges –
1.  Obviously, Thanksgiving dinner.  Again, it shouldn’t be.  It isn’t for thousands of people, but it is.

2.  The boyfriend is, in theory, supposed to be here in a couple of weeks and stay for about a month.  I’m wishy-washy on this.  Yes, I guess I’m looking forward to seeing him, but then again I’m not.   He was part of the problem that lead me to Anorexia but he was also part of the solution as he secretly spoke to Mom and pushed me home where I received help.

3.  Tomorrow is the sister’s birthday.  She needs a coat really bad and we can’t find one her size that she likes locally, so off we go to Indianapolis.
My sister is nearly the polar opposite of me.  Overweight and pre-diabetic, she’s been losing weight under doctor care.  While me, on the other hand, was force feed.  We’re supposed to head up north to a fairly large mall (at least large for this area) during the day (not midnight) for her Black Friday birthday present – Our primary quest is to find her a coat.
—–  I don’t know why I feel anxious about this.  I try to fool myself and blame it on potential crowds, but that can’t be right.   This will be the first Friday I haven’t participated in the (what used to be the) midnight rush.  I’m okay with crowds.  I’m looking forward to spend time with my sister, but I’m not looking forward to it.   Everything will be okay, I’m sure, it’s just an uneasy feeling.

Anxiety exists in the future.  The future isn’t here yet, so why worry, right?
Besides, I have a new shrink scheduled for December 2nd, so I won’t be without threapation for long.  I think I’m prepared to like anyone I get in this area – just as long as he or she isn’t younger than me.  Yes, age biased, I know.  I just know for a fact that I’d have difficulty speaking to someone who could be my daughter or son – age wise.

Again —  Anxiety exists in the future and the future isn’t here yet, so why worry?
Because I can.   That doesn’t make since either, but it’s all I got.

Just a bunch of stilly stuff, right?
First word problems