Back to gluttony… binging… yep.  I did on left over turkey.   I didn’t eat it all, as there is a partial leg left, but everything else in the container mysteriously disappeared down my gullet during the evening and night- as well as a good portion of my favorite Apple Butter BBQ –  don’t knock it till you try it.  It’s yummy.

The Cool Whip, cottage cheese, cereal, and ice cream are safe… for now.

I didn’t even bother looking up the calorie count.  The turkey was pre-cooked from Kroger and, honestly, I had better although I really don’t remember when.  —  Anorexia tends to hide details of when and what was consumed — but I think the lingering idea that there’s “better” could be a behavior not to eat it now.

So, what did I do to compensate?
Well – skipped breakfast in favor of a couple of rice cakes and a small apple.
Scrubbed both bathrooms – housework burns calories!
Making tentative plans on going to the gym and already scheming on what I’ll do.

All of this is bad, I know.  Bad. Bad. Bad.  It’s related to “behaviors.”  Still, I can’t seem to help it.  My legs are bloated by edema and my hip hurts – which might be related to my legs weighing about the same as a small elephant each.  I’d imagine it takes a lot of muscle to move them around.

My stomach has become uncomfortably round.  If I’m not careful, it’ll start to attract small moons.

Yes, again, I know there’s worse but it’s not about the food.  It’s the perception.  It’s what I think and feel.  It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks because, for some reason, I hold myself to impossible standards.  Any words of comfort are thought to be pity and sympathy… Two ideologies that are my version of kryptonite.  Proud warrior women never need pity or sympathy.   I’m to strong for that.

I know that make me sound stuck-up or a snob… but that’s really not the case.  I care for others.  If I make a mistake and cannot help… then I messed up – huge.  My credibility, self-worth, and self-confidence are shattered – but not broken.

And that’s what Anorexia is.  My huge goof up.  I’m attempting to gain my self back, but I don’t know who that self is.  I’m lost, but I’m  fighter — and I need to be.

Today’s my sister’s birthday.  She and I are supposed to have some much needed quality sister time shopping in Greenwood today.  Since it’s her birthday, she gets to choose were she wants lunch….

The Cheesecake Factory.
———–  I looked at the website.  Why-oh-why-oh-why?
Yep… the behaviors just snark that right up.  Panicking already.

Every day is a battle.
I will return on my shield or under it.

Wish me luck.