Well, it’s official.
I’m flying back on March 18th.

This trip will be a little longer than the first – 6 weeks instead of 4.
I suppose this is a step in the right direction.    Still, makes me nervous.

The weather, while temped tossed, is changing for the better in Indiana.   From where I am, I can see the nearly clear night sky and, by some small miracle, I can still recognize my favorite constellations.    My brother, sister, and I feel like we’re becoming more in synch.  I mean, we’ve always been friendly, but it’s starting to feel tight knit.    I’m not too sure how to explain it.

I don’t know if this feeling of security… well, maybe not security, but camaraderie, is just something that I’m deluding myself with because of Florida anxiety or if the dynamic changed.     I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve been a toll on their lives.   Not just financially, although I am that, but emotionally.

First there was the anorexia, severe anxiety, and I didn’t fit in.   For some reason, I thought everyone would stay the same while I was away.  Of course, that didn’t happen.   I didn’t know how to relate.   Then, I was embarrassed, and very unsure.   Cancer came along with a big “hello.”   Mom and my sister did their very best not to smother me.   My brother, my gentle guardian, listened to any insane thing I had to confess.

And now, while the cancer isn’t over, it’s probably as good as it’s going to get for a while.  Maybe, just now maybe, things are really settling down.  Spring is here.   The green is coming back.  Symbolically, a chance to possibly grow again.

I can easily see how this could apply to my second Flordian life.   It’s a new chance there too, possibly, but I still see the hard shadows from before.  I’m afraid of feeling trapped.
Yes, I know I work online and where I live is my office, but I was there all the time, staring at the same bad paint job, and thin carpet.  When I said all the time, I meant – all the time. –

As I sunk deeper into anxiety and increased my workload, days passed, possibly months, that I only sometimes left to pick up the paper at the end of the drive way.  Occasionally, we may go grocery shopping, but the fear of falling behind, the guilt of not working, not even for a minute, easily ruined any outing.  I had to structure every activity, down to the minute.   If this strict and concrete schedule wasn’t followed, I would become upset and resentful for even going out.

Even beyond, this attitude, feeling, depression, was contrary to who was at the start.  I’ve always considered myself a child of the earth.    I like to grow, mentally and environmentally.   It does my heart good to take care of hearth and home.  I like to travel.  The destination doesn’t matter… well, it does a little, but the journey is truly what is most important – no matter how trope that sounds.

I had reached a place where I could do nothing.   I long accepted that Indiana soil spoiled me and I have little patience for nurturing plants in the Florida sand.  Without funds, I could only do so much to improve the house.  And, the longer this went on, travel was limited to non-existent.

And, oh I envied Jason.
Yes, he only went to school and back.   But, he got to go out the door.   He got to see the sun, even if he is allergic.  Other people interacted with him, even if it was just in a classroom.     All I had was the cat who pretty much ignored most of the time.   I don’t think he understood how blessed I considered him for carrying out a normal routine that I think he despised.

I had my walls and work.. and work… and work.

The house became my yellow wallpaper.

I know things have changed.
Sure, the financial situation is still crappy.   That’s a given, but right now I don’t feel that I’m shouldering it all.  Actually, I don’t feel like I’m doing anything… and it feels good…. and shameful… and guilty all at the same time.  Jason has changed.  I hope that he has changed enough that I’ll never feel abandoned by him again.  And, I don’t want him to feel abandoned by me.

But, that’s because I am here in safety.
I can feel good.   Guilt and shame are a two hour plane ride away.

Surly, there’s more than that there, right?
There was once.   There could be again.

At one point, I wanted to provide security for everyone while taking burdens and risks upon myself.    I guess you could say I painted myself to be some sort of maverick hero.  I knew best and could be everything to everyone while maintaining my pride and honor.

And now?
Not so much.     I want to be taken care of.   I don’t want to worry about the big decisions.    I seek the blind faith that everything will be all right and the “happily every after” is just a spell away.

But I innately know this is not an option.   It shouldn’t even be a goal.   Realistically, “happily every afters” don’t happen – ever.   Even if they did, it wouldn’t happen to me.   I’d do something to mess it up.    Besides, there is still a little bit of a warrior in me.   “Happily ever after” is the lack of action.  It’s surrender.  It’s compliance.    That’s not me.

A marriage – a union – is two people uniting to fight the good fight.
It’s not societal subservience or surrender to the other.    It’s a reason to fight more, not less.

Hum….
Again, I have no idea where I’m going with this.
Just rambling.   Enjoying my current perceived freedom.
Dreading I could be tossed back into the past.
Fearing that I may not have the strength to survive.