I’m trying really, really, really hard to have a good eating day.

Most of the time, I don’t, but I’m really trying today.

A good eating day means that I don’t overeat, under eat, and I don’t stress out about it.  I don’t try to guess the calories, look at nutrition labels, and guesstimate how many calories I burn during the day.   At the same time, I don’t over indulge — or at least I think over indulge, binge on any one type of food, or talk myself into over eating.

—  A good example is “oh…. the box/jug/whatever is about empty.  It’s silly to put it back in the cabinet/fridge.        It’s just a little more.   It won’t hurt me…. ”
It’s embarrassing how many times I fall for the line I tell myself.

Most of all, I try not to feel guilty about it or eat simply to put people’s minds at ease.
That’s a bit more tricky.

Who stresses out about food, right?  Me.   Just about continually.
So what I’m 50ish pounds overweight?  I guess ED still walks with me.

So, today, I think I’ve been good.
I ate some leftover chicken for breakfast.  A peanut butter Kind bar for a midmorning snack.   I ate another one after I left the gym.   When I came home, I drank the shakes mom makes for me.   That’s chocolate protein powder + skim milk + my vitamin D supplement.  I don’t know how much of what goes into the shake.  Never asked.  Don’t want to know.

It’s about 6pm.   As long as I just hold it together a little longer, I’ll have a good food day.

My week has been really pretty iffy food wise.
Combined, my brother and sister had Monday to Thursday off.
Of course, I want to spend time with them.  I adore them.

However, Monday was pizza.  Tuesday was pizza.  Wednesday was Applebee’s.   Thursday was Culvers.

What can I say?
My kids like to eat out – a lot.

I can’t just order salads everywhere I go over the weeks.
They’d become suspicious.  Besides, I like pizza, oddly enough.
I didn’t mind eating the grilled sandwich with tomato soup from Applebee’s, although the soup wasn’t that warm.

Even still, I don’t know.  Just because I like it doesn’t mean that I should eat it.
Turning them down would change some relationships that I’ve tried desperately to stabilize since leaving the House.

The old me would feel like I should punish myself for my indulgences in some way.  This usually came in the form of  negative self-talk and skipping meals.  The new me says… well, I’ll just have to deal with it… but that’s not how I think.

Just ‘dealing with it’ is passive.
That shows I’m a victim of myself and I don’t have control over what I consume —  compared to when I had all of the control and consumed nothing.

I’m not sure how I can ‘deal with it’ that doesn’t include some form of starvation or going to the gym for multiple hours.   Both options should be off the table, but I don’t really have a third.

So, I leave myself twisting in the wind and it really pisses me off.
I don’t like to be upset at myself.

—-  I’m really good at being upset at myself, but I don’t want to be.
Obsessing about this stuff makes it worse.

But I keep trying.
I’ll figure it out at some point, right?