Okay, yesterday I had a rather good eating day.
I limited myself and didn’t really overeat.
–  I fell off the wagon a little when I saw there was Wheat Chex.

1. Oddly enough, Wheaties is probably one of my top 3 cereals.   I just like the taste.  Wheat Chex mostly has the same taste, but it has that neat texture.   It’s kind of like woven or some sort of basket weave.   It’s not mine, but I had some anyway with almond milk.

   Actually, just typing about it made me want to get more… but I didn’t.  Yet.

   What makes today different than yesterday is that I didn’t go to the gym.
   For obvious reasons, I feel better about what I consume after I do three hours or so of cardio.

   I could have done that today, but nope, I didn’t.   Instead, I stayed home for most of the day like a good girl and cleaned house… not that I needed it or anything.  Dust galore in a house sandwiched in the middle of two cornfields and filled with electronics.

   The eighty pound me equated eating to physical movement.   Since I didn’t move during the day as I was handcuffed to my laptop and 300 odd-ish students, I literally did not move.  No movement = no eats.
   — It’s just the way my mind works.   That’s one of the reasons why I go to a shrink.

   So, every day I don’t go to the gym is a test.   Most of the time, I seem to fail — but I fail in relation to my own standards, which isn’t sane or normal in any since of the word.

   Anyway, today, so far, I’ve had two low-fat Eggo waffles, a Kind bar (dark chocolate/salt), an apple, protein shakes, and a bag of popcorn.   It’s just a little after 4:30.   I usually go to sleep around 11, so I have abut 6ish more hours to go without making myself feel very guilty and filling my head with negative-self talk.

   The stranger danger is that my sister ordered a large Papa John’s with extra cheese, extra sauce, sausage, and chicken.  I had to go pick it up.     The smell in the truck cab.. awesome.    I made it even worse by stopping for a Pokémon raid on the way home.   That was more time I took to breathe it in.

   I know I’m welcome to have some of her pizza, but I haven’t really done anything to jack the heartrate up and burn the calories I’ve eaten so far.

   —  Yes, I know very well that food = life and I don’t want to swing negative…  Well, yes, I want to go a bit negative and not be overweight any more, but not way negative where the weight drop down to double digits.

   It so happens I like pizza, but she didn’t add onions.   I don’t like onions.   That’s a deal breaker, but this one does not have onions.

   So, this turns into a debate that’s entirely in my head.
   –  Don’t I deserve a piece(s)?
   – I’ll just be careful for the rest of the week… yeah, right
   – Would I arouse the suspicions of my mom and others if I don’t take a bite?
   –  Why am I making a big deal out of this?    It’s just pizza.

   But, I’m trying to be good and not have Wheat Chex today, let alone a piece of gooey pizza.

   If I put this much energy in trying to write my book, I’d have at least a trilogy out by now.

   Future thinking, I know that I’m going to go out to eat with my brother on Monday and I ate out four times last week.

   I have arthritis in my hip and I’m on the wrong side of the line for osteoporosis.   Just more reasons why I shouldn’t take a bite, but that tends not to stop me… which rolls into a shame spiral that there’s no getting out of.

   I’ve never been one to be balanced.
   I’m all in or all out. I love you or I hate you.  You’re a friend or an enemy.
   There’s no gray.    That’s for other people.
   —  Most of the time, this line of thinking has served me well.  I have been able to accommodate and cope with situations.  More importantly, I’ve been able to help others.   If not through advise, by example.

   Kinda, sorta, and maybe are just words.   They’re not my way of life in any since of the imagination and, when caught between two extremes, I become fairly miserable.  Even worse, I close my eyes and let someone else decide…  which loops back around to feeling guilty as I did not have the courage to pick a side myself.

   All of this just means that I can’t win.