Hi Cupcake!

I’ve been meaning to formally introduce myself for weeks, but I haven’t been in the mindset to write or to really do much of anything.  I apologize.

Since you’re the only one who has responded to my rabble,  I wanted to reach out.

Um…  I’m forty-something years old, unmarried,  and no children.  I have a Pandora’s box of things wrong with me ranging from cancer, to bloated lower legs (sometimes), scoliosis, anorexia, to panic attacks.   So, I’ve got a pretty good range.

I haven’t always been like this.  My mess is a build up of probably the last five to ten years.  I don’t place the blame on anyone, despite various attempts of psychologists to do so.  I put an unofficial bookmark on that period of my life when I became a full-time adjunct who quickly went on to be a double time adjunct.    But, I’m not here to gripe about the state of our higher (or lower) educational system.

The pre-messed up me loved to travel.   I had little fear of others, about others, or even what others thought about me.  I simply didn’t care.   In some ways, I still don’t.  I didn’t mind being alone and, in some ways, I craved it.   Back then, if I had the means to travel to Egypt, Japan… anywhere by myself, I would have happily done so.

Fascinated by psychology and literature at an early age, I wholeheartedly accepted my introverted ways and read anything I could get my hands on.   Which is really kind of funny, because I’m only averaging about two books a year now.  I chalk that up to a character flaw.

When I worked for a cable company, I became actively avoidant of answering phones and watching television.    Now, I read student papers and avoid books.   I’m sure that’s some sort of awful fallacy.    It’s just something I got to get over because I really like books and people expect an English adjunct to actually read stuff.

Um…  I’m the oldest of three.   Tough childhood.   Yadda yadda yadda.  My brother and sister are ‘my kids.’   I don’t call them that anymore, but that’s what they’ll always be in my heart.  I took care of them as a parent would when ours was emotionally and physically absent.

Now, ironically, they take care of me.  There’s not a day that I don’t feel shame because of that.   I know I shouldn’t, but I do.  This is the burden of being the oldest, I suppose.

From my blogs, you may know that I’m in a long distance relationship with Jason.    We’ve been together for probably around twenty years.  Fifteen or sixteen years of that we lived together.    Have a house, a cat, a mortgage… the whole nine yards.

At one point, I handled all of that – all the bills while he was in college.  (Hell, he’s still in college.)  I did everything I could possibly do to make sure he had the best I could offer even to the point where I refused to eat to save money.

That hardheadedness and determination were key factors in me breaking myself.  I had certain unbreakable rules.   I would not go into debt.  At one point, the mortgage was paid a – year – in advance.  I would not buy anything at full price — which still holds true 99% of the time.  I have an exceedingly difficult time buying myself anything… and I mean anything.  Rather it be lunch, a shirt, or even something under a dollar, I just have a difficult time doing so.    I mentally debate the purchase for like twenty minutes.   I’ve learned to just walk away and not buy anything.    It saves a lot of stress.

Now, I’m a bit more flexible… no, not really, but I’m not as obsessed about these things as I used to be.   They’re not at the forefront of my brain and they’re not etched in stone.   Maybe, etched in gold since it’s a softer material and easier to manipulate.

I’ve also taken a page from the One Punch Man gospel.  If someone wants to do something, I just say okay.    It saves a lot of stress and time over something that I’d probably end up doing anyway.  This is why I’m kind of a puppet for my kids.   Whatever they want me to do or go, all they have to do is pull my strings.    I’m just fortunate that they’re gracious puppeteers.    It’s either that or I put some sort of fear in them as they aged under my inexperienced and young parenting.

Besides, they can be fun to hang out with.   We were apart for a really long time and, like I said, they’re my kids.

I haven’t written in a while because I’ve encountered this unexpected void in my mind.   I just haven’t felt like doing anything.   I don’t want to get out of bed.  I don’t want to eat.  I don’t want to think.   Right now, I’m sort of existing for others.

I know that’s not healthy.   It’s really not healthy.    Dr. S thinks I’m backsliding and gave me a shiny new anti-depressant and stronger sleeping pills — which I don’t take for the most part.

I think it could be that I’m ready for my six-month iron infusion.     I’ll know if this is true in November when I see Dr. R.   I’ve dubbed her my hemo-goblin.   Get it?  From hemoglobin?  I thought it was clever until I found out there is a little know character in Marvel known as the Hemogoblin.  Yeah, so, maybe not so clever.

Anyways… hello.
I hope you have a great batch of holidays that are coming up in the next month or two.

Bestest,
Ailile.