Something strange happened this morning.

I fell.

It wasn’t just a little fall either.  It had two parts.

First, there was the pre-lack of coordination.  This is when I performed the morning ritual of bribing… not giving… bribing the cat with some 6am snacks as a way let Jason get another hour of sleep before work.  We buy the snacks in bulk, so it’s a big plastic canister.    It had a red lid, so probably fakey-flavored beef?   I’m too lazy to look.

Anyway, while I was putting the top back on, my left hand decided it didn’t want to work at that specific moment and down everything went.   My right hand was holding the top and wondering why the left had suddenly become a complete idiot.

I bent down to attempt to pick them all up.   The cat graciously helping by picking up the choices bits, of course.  Somehow, between us, we managed to pick up most of the mess.

Just as I was standing up, a very calm and collected voice in the middle of my brain said ‘oh no.’    There was a brief moment of panic which was replaced by an easy moment of floating.  It was equilibrium.  I felt like I was falling into a wet cloud for some reason.

Which was promptly stopped by the kitchen floor and the stainless steel handle of the oven.  I guess head hitting steel made a pretty loud sound since Jason came from the bedroom to help me up.  He checked my head to make sure it wasn’t bleeding and gave me some aspirin.  Aspirin in this house is powder.    I think it’s called B&C – cherry flavored.  That stuff works quick, but it’s difficult to swallow.   Bitter.

Anyway, I’m okay.  The head doesn’t hurt.  I might have pulled a little something on my left side.  Pretty sure I’m going to some sort of bruise around my bum area.  After, I think I passed out on the couch for a while.   It wasn’t sleeping, but unconscious.  When I’m sleeping, I can feel and hear myself breathe.    It didn’t feel that way, but I was still aware of my surroundings.

Odd.

I know it was an accident.  Accidents happen all the time – every day.   I want to go outside and do some yard work or something.   The weatherman lied and it’s not rainy this morning as he promised.   I haven’t been outside yet, but it looks sunny to me.  I see fat squirrels and pigeons.

But, I’m apprehensive on a couple of fronts — more psychological than physical.   I feel and I worried Jason.   I could tell by his face.  I kind of figure that if I go off doing physical stuff I’d worry him more, which is something that I seriously don’t want to do.  With all of my physical ailments, that’s the last thing he needs.  I’ve caused him more than enough worry.

Then, of course, the past easily bubbles to the surface.    I’m 110% sure I mentioned that the House kept me in a wheelchair for three months… although I could walk perfectly fine.   During hospital doctor visits, I got this lovely little bracelet that said “fall risk.”

Which, I hated.   I knew it wasn’t true, but no one around me would believe it.  Just having that basic power of personal movement stripped away when it shouldn’t have been left some kind of scar.

So… yeah.   Falling sucks and now I’m stuck in an in-between place.   I want to do stuff, but I’m not sure what I can do.  Rather, what that I can do and hide from Jason so he doesn’t know what I did.  Guess that means trimming the bushes are out.

Jason would let do what I want.  I know he would because he knows he can’t stop me.  No matter what I did, he probably wouldn’t say anything or say a lot.  Might grumble a little, but I think there’s a nugget inside him somewhere that keeps track of stupid stuff I do.   It grows every now and then.

I seriously don’t want that nugget to become bigger.   I don’t want to worry my family either.   I don’t want to worry anyone.   I just want to do what I want to do and what I feel is required.

So, here I sit…. like a twit….

Okay…  I’m over it.   I got to do something.
Just sitting here waiting for assignments that probably won’t come in on a Thursday is going to drive me crazy.   Crazier.  –er

Sometimes, I just don’t know how to switch off.