I’ve been feeling pretty odd lately on several different fronts.

It’s about time for me to return to Florida, as per Jason and my agreement from February.  I’m supposed to go down there for a couple of months and then both of us head back to Indiana in late July for Gencon and his vacation.

I have become just incredibly gun shy about it.    Of which is totally fool-hearted on my part, but I just can’t quite wrap my head around it.

We’re trying to pay off some debts and the financial situation is always strained.   It’s been strained for years.  That’s no secret.  It’s just my visits add to the strain.

We try to go out and do normal things that couples do.   I know the electric and water bill goes up.   It probably close to doubles.  Since I’m eating now, more groceries are needed.

All of these are very normal increased charges.  I get it.  At one point, we split these bills.   I think I did the utilities and groceries.  He did the mortgage.   Then, I did everything.  Now, he’s doing everything save the car insurance.   Whatever, right?

We’re still together.  But, my mind keeps going back to how, when I’m with him, I’m causing more harm than help because we’re spending money that we literally do not have.  That kind of goes against the grain of everything.

Yeah, I know you’re thinking that I could work more.   I probably can.  Heck, I know I can.  Still, I can’t right now because the drug dealer (psychologist Dr. S who upped my Prozac the last time I saw her) feels that I’m not mentally capable of handling more work.   Of course, there’s the little big thing of insurance.   If I make to much money, I will lose my insurance — which wouldn’t be a good idea if the cancer comes back or the lump turns out to be something scary.

Yes, of course, I would like to see him but the brain has locked on the negatives instead of the positives.   I don’t want to hurt him in any way, but I am and I’m having a really hard time letting the negatives slide off me.

I don’t know if this is linked to my other behaviors that have started to pop up.  Again, it’s all about money.  It’s always about money.  ….

Wait.  I think I know what it is or at least what’s help inspiring it.  See, the last time I was in Florida, little sister really contributed a lot.  I mean like she bought a lot of groceries and mom gave me a little spending money — which went to replace a fallen ceiling fan.  That’s okay.  With hot flashes like mine, circulating air is pretty much a must.

But since little sister was fired from her job, I’m not counting on her to help this time.   For the record, I — did not — ask for assistance last time.   She just did it.  Yes, little sister has a brand new job at Red Lobster which (I’m told) pays more than the old one.   Still, it was embarrassing how much she helped last time and I’m sure she has bills to pay from the nearly two months she was out of work.   Her paychecks should be devoted to that and getting a new wardrobe.  Red Lobster has higher dress standards than Culvers.   Go fig.

I guess without that safety net, maybe I feel like I would really set back paying off the debt.

–  And, knowing little sister, she’ll probably try to buy groceries for me like she did last time which probably won’t cause her any long term financial harm, but it really upsets me because I know that she has doctor bills, her own car insurance, and whatever coming due.  It could hurt her short-term.

It’s a good thing I’m writing about this.  I hadn’t made that connection before.

The thing is that I don’t want to hurt anyone.  It almost feels… it does feel… that I’m a parasite.  Which, I know, probably isn’t true.

But, it doesn’t matter if it’s true or not.   I perceive it as not and that what matters.

I pity any salesman who tries to talk me into making a big purchase for myself.   It won’t happen easily, even if I want it.

I agonize for weeks weighing the pros and cons before I even allow myself to see a movie at the theater.

There is something seriously wrong with this whole picture.

Whatever is going on is affecting me in other areas.   All of them internally, of course.   I hide some of the crazy well.  Or not so well.

I’ve started analyzing everything I eat.  Not to the critical level during the active anorexia state, but analyzing.   I know this is healthy for some people, but I don’t know it’s healthy for me given my past history surviving on diet soda and jello.

I’ve really started focusing on how marshmallow the little sister looks and how baby brother has started breathing heavy when we go for our Pokemon catching walks.  I am deathly afraid for them and of them.   I can’t be like that.    I recognize that I can’t govern them as I did when they were children.  It pains me, but I simply can’t go down that road again.

I was big for a long time.  I can’t ever allow myself to be that big again.

But, it’s not right if they die before me.   I’m the oldest.   I know I can’t take care of them and probably will never be able to, but at least I should have that.

I’m just seriously conflicted.

All of this anxiety has given me this near constant rush of energy.   Sure, sleep has been getting better.  I can almost make it through the night, but I’ve been getting up at least five times or so during the night for the past two weeks, even when taking sleeping pills.

And I know that the lack of sleep does not help matters.  If anything, it just exasperates them.

I know all of this.  I see it going on inside me and I just can’t seem to do anything about it.  I’m paralyzing myself.

Someone play me “Let It Go” on the world’s tiniest violin.

Tomorrow, if I can convince myself to leave the house, I am going to buy myself a blueberry shake that has oats in it.  Little sister bought me one a week or so ago and it tasted really good.   My obsessive mind has focused on how much I enjoyed that simple little thing to the point where I promise myself I will – buy – myself one.

But, I consistently talk myself out of it.   I don’t deserve it.  I can’t afford it.

Anyway… that is the goal.   To leave the house and buy a blueberry and oat shake… maybe from Tropical Smoothe or the ice cream place that uses fresh fruit.   Bonus — Not feel guilty about it or feel the need to spend four hours at the gym burning off carbs.

That is the goal.   … and figuring out how to get over the whole Florida guilt trip so I can actually go on the trip.  And, even if (when) I go on the trip, not freak out from guilt.

Deep breath, right?
I’ve done harder things.  I can do this.