This is odd.

It’s the last day of the term.
My four students have submitted their final project and I’ve graded it.  Sure, there’s a couple of past-due assignments, but nothing major.  My inbox isn’t overflowing with sob stories or extension requests.

I almost don’t know what to do.  It’s like the students actually have most of their crap together.  Never happened before.   Really.    This is kind of nice.   But, it’s not something that I’ll get used to.

This will never happen again.

I discovered a new type of music.   I think it’s called Dark Country.    It’s a weird mix of Country and goth.  Right now, that’s golden.    “Dogs of War” is playing while I type this… Just changed!  Now, it’s “Ten Feet Tall.”

Went to the gym today.    I think it’s the first time in maybe two months.  It felt good although the first hour on the elliptical nearly killed me.   I even stretched first and took note of potential weak areas…. lower back…  right shoulder…. left leg and knee.  Honestly, I wasn’t expecting to do my typical four hours.   Well, not without considerable mental pushing, but I rattled it off fine.  I finally got to finish the second season of Stranger Things and started on the third season of Dear White People.

There’s a lot of anime that I’m looking forward to catching up to at the gym. I don’t really know why that’s about the only place I watch shows.  It’s just kind of a waste to do at home when I could be reading, sleeping, or writing.  Watching Netflix, VRV, and whatever is far more productive and encouraging then CNN and Fox.

I guess I’ve got political burnout.  I listen to Jason and peruse Drudge every now and then.  But, overall, I’m sick of it.  Everything is to contrary and, more then ever, it’s not something that can be politely spoken about.

People are passionate about politics.    If Trump has done anything, he’s sparked America’s interest.   But, it’s kind of like a complicated soap opera.   (Is that term used any more… soap opera?)   I can’t keep the names of anyone straight, let alone what they may or may not have done.    It’s just crazy.

I’m trying to avoid figuring out a suitable punishment for myself concerning my eating over the past couple of weeks.   Pizza… banana boats… ice cream…   It’s not just the things, but the amount.   I was eating even when I wasn’t hungry.  A good example was in Bloomington.   I kept eating pizza crust after two breadsticks and a couple of slices.  I even told Jason I wasn’t hungry, but I kept munching on them anyway.

I felt like I was holding myself prisoner.  I was screaming at myself to stop, but I didn’t.   If anything, my mental pleas just spurned the behavior although I knew I’d sincerely regret it later.

Does that make any sense?
I know this is weird for people who haven’t experienced an eating disorder.   It may not even seem like a big thing for most in a country of increasingly obese people.

It’s exhausting and continually mentally degrading to be disgusted by my own flesh.  Trapped in a prison of my own making… when I know I should take some pride in myself.

I mean…   I’ve gone through anorexia, cancer, osteoporosis, and scoliosis.  I’m going through forced menopause and unregulated hot flashes.  —  Learned something new – hot flashes are directly linked to stress according to the Mayo Clinic.   Huh….   I’m some 50 pounds overweight, although my doctors will never tell me so as they’re afraid that would cause an anorexia episode.

Still, I can walk miles, ride a bike, do four hours of cardio after a two-month break…   That’s a lot more then some can do — like my sister who is six years younger.

But, it’s not enough.
It’s never enough.

I have to continually prove to myself that I can.
Which, in a way, isn’t fair… but I’ve never been fair to myself.  Fairness is for other people.  I can’t allow myself to become complacent.  That could be death.

Not that I fear death.   I don’t.
But that doesn’t mean I have to voluntarily go into that big goodnight.

So, this all links back to the physical state of my body.   I mean, when I was at my lowest weight I was probably… no probably about it… I was closest to death.   I was kind of waiting for it.

I’m rambling.
Sorry.

There have been so many things I wanted to write about lately and didn’t have the opportunity too.  Now that life has returned to somewhat of a semi-balanced of normality, I’m trying to catch up and write down all of these thoughts and feelings before they are pushed away or forgotten.

So – hence – rambling.

I’ll never get anything organized until I’ve united mind and body.