I’ve been out of the House for about three years now.
I think it’s for three years.    It’s however long Jason has been employed at the Revenue.

Despite the years, the fact that I’m self-consciously overweight, and am on medication, I don’t consider myself ‘cured.’  I probably never will — as evidenced by the mental torture I put myself through every time I go out alone.

Well, maybe not every time, but a good deal of the time.

For example, when I go out by myself for any length of time, I get hungry or thirsty.    For me to actually buy myself something to eat, I have to meet two mental requirements.

—
One –
I have to be able to judge the value of the item vs. my current financial situation.
And it’s just not my financial situation, but what I perceive to be Jason’s situation as well.

Nearly all of the time, I don’t clear this hurdle.
Don’t laugh.   This is how my mind works.

Five dollars for a Tropical Smoothie smoothie doesn’t seem like a lot, but if we multiply that by twice a week.   Four weeks in a month… that’s at least $40.   The actual amount would depend on what I purchased and add-ons.

With $40, I could buy enough stuff to make multiple smoothies.   I could make at least two smoothies with the $5 I’d pay for one.

Yeah, I know that this sounds kind of silly, but it’s an unbreakable barrier that I just can’t cross over.  It doesn’t matter how hungry or thirsty I am at the time.  The physical sensation isn’t important enough to me that it needs to be satisfied right away.  If I can hold out to save that $5 or know of a suitable cheap way to meet this hurdle, I’ll suffer.

By the by, the only two places that have pre-cleared the financial hurdle is McDonald’s because of their dollar drinks.  Anything else on the menu is a hard pass.
—  Occasionally, Orange Leaf.   It’s a low-fat frozen yogurt place.  I figure that their small with toppings nearly equates to the $4 or $5 that Enlightenment or Halo costs….  providing that I can talk myself into buying yogurt.

After all, it’s empty calories, right?  I guess that’s more of a special occasion type of treat… although special occasions happen exceedingly rarely.

Right.
Okay.    If I can in any way shape or form justify the purchase financially, I have to pass a self-judgment check.

Do I ‘deserve it?’
Did I eat responsibly yesterday and the day before?  What have I ate today?   What will I possibly eat in the evening and tomorrow?  Did I do my self-imposed four hours of cardio?  If not, why? When would I have the chance again?  If I did, where the hours quality hours?  Did I not try my best or just kind of goofed off (like I did today)?

A lot of things impact this area that is out of my control.   For example, my brother is fond of KFC and we go there on occasion.  I don’t eat the biscuit, cookie, or mashed potatoes most of the time as I’m hoping to strip away some of the 900 calories for the first Fill-Up.

My sister is fond of Applebees, TGIF, Charlies, Outback, and other kinds of high-end places.  Places that Baby Brother tends not to bother with.    While these places are a bit better than KFC, I’m eating with my sister.   I know she loves me, but she’s really good about judging as well.

… and she loves to gossip with mom.

One of the last things I need is my mom upset at me because I didn’t eat a roll at a restaurant or ordered a salad instead of a burger.

That does not foster a healthy family setting.   Rather, their words and worry become a slow boil that reminds me of days when I’d only eat green beans.   Yep.   That’s right.   *** Only green beans *** and only if they were crispy.

I can understand their concern, but if I feel like I’m going to possibly go over my personal calorie budget, I won’t buy myself anything to eat while I’m by myself and really thirsty.

So, it really kind of blows my mind when Jason says he’s picking up a sub between work and school.

I could never do that.
If I worked for eight hours and on my way to spend four more in a classroom, I’d probably bring a granola bar and some water.   I’d congratulate myself on the $15 to $20 I’d be saving myself every week, even if my sugar drops in the middle of class.

It’s just not in me anymore.

…. and it’s a pain in the butt.

I’m fully aware of my limitations on this front, but I can’t seem to talk myself past them.   So, I’m stuck and not enjoying my ‘me’ time as much as I probably could.

I haven’t always been like this.   Pre-Jason, I was a-okay with snagging a sandwich somewhere between work and school.  Even a double quarter pounder would do or a Big Montana from Arby’s.

Post Jason, at one point we ate out a lot.   I think I reviewed a couple of month’s credit card statements and was completely abhorred that a third or half of the charges where Chick-Fil-A and other places.

That’s when I stopped ordering things for myself.

Then I guess I became selectively picky about what I ate.   It had to meet a certain and fairly impossibly high criteria.  I also had to be able to make it fit with the jigsaw puzzle of food that I ate throughout the day, week, and month.

That put a kibosh to that.

Pitiful, huh?

I wonder if there will be a time when I’m not obsessed about cost and calories.

Honestly, probably not.   I think it’s been hotwired into my brain, but I wish it didn’t have to be.   It provides a layer of self-torture that I don’t think I need, but I don’t see myself in a position just to completely disregard the internal reasoning over cost and calories.  There’s too much financially at stake and I’ve got a fair number of health issues.

So… it sucks.   It really sucks.