To be honest, I haven’t felt like writing over the past couple of weeks.
That’s not true.    I’ve felt like writing, but haven’t had the willpower or motivation to do anything.

I think the reason is because of how I’m reacting to the situations and surroundings presented to me.

Just to be clear, I am a firm believer that (regardless of how hopeless it may seem sometimes) that a person is in control of her or his reactions.    It’s all about accountability.   Pride.   Not being a turkey shit.

So, it’s personally frustrating that I’ve been reacting in a depressed bubble-headed way.

I feel that I’ve been unable to make decisions.   That’s the biggest thing and pretty frustrating.  I’ve literally been counting the hours until a day was over… which is something I find personally disrespectful to the time we have on earth – wishing for it to hurry and pass.    That’s not respectful to the given day or the people around us.

But, honestly, the hours went by too slowly.
I wanted the days to end.  Crazy.  Frantic.   Mindless.   End.

That’s not right.

Analyzing….
I think what brought this form of inability on is… is a lot of things.  I feel like I’ve been battered since I got here with events, all of which I was unwilling to attend but went anyway.

–  Hence – first strike.  Feeling obligated or volunteered without my consent.
There was a birthday party, a movie, “Enchant,” which not every enchanting at all, then another movie, and a holiday party.  I’m probably missing something.

For some, these may be nothing to get upset about.  Free movies!  I didn’t pay for anything.   It’s free food.    It’s free… whatever Enchant was…

Free is good.
I like the word free, but free doesn’t exist.

I sat through hours of cinema that I didn’t want to watch.    If I wanted to watch, that’d be different.  But I didn’t want to watch, so that cost some five hours of my life.

The Enchant thing took probably around three hours.  Technically, it was all day because of the timing of the day.  After the first ten minutes of scouting, I decided the place was built for selfie enthusiasts.

I’m not sure how long the birthday and holiday party took, but it was uncomfortable followed by being boring and then switching back to uncomfortable again.

If my presence is just going to cause me to be bored, I’d much rather stay at the house and watch Netflix with a bag of popcorn instead of staring at people who are trying to pretend that I’m not a lump of skin on their couch.

And they introduce me as Jason’s wife.
I am not Jason’s wife.  He’s never proposed.   I’ve never accepted.   These people dern well know that but prefer to slam me into a nitch where afterward, I become part of the environment.

That’s not family.
They’re not my family and nor shall I ever consider them to be.

It makes attending these gathering all that more loathsome.

Plus…. my dad died this moth some million years ago.
Yes, it’s been a million years ago, but I still carry a torch.    Unresolved issues and all that.  I think I’m the only one on my immediate family who even remembers the day he died.  But, that’s a separate issue.

It hasn’t all be defeat.

Well, yeah it has been.

I guess I can claim victory for the battle of the roof… “my roof”…   as Jason has called it.    I pick up on things like that… my roof…   It’s not my roof.  It’s the house’s roof.   If anything, it should be — our — roof.

It’s just getting to this ‘my roof’ agreement took about two months, a bit of arguing, a bit of nagging, and some unpleasant feelings despite the obvious need.

Hey!
The roof is leaking in at least four separate places, is 16 years old, and wasn’t done professionally.

Maybe it’s time to spend some money and buy a $*#*@(@ roof.
Why is that so hard when it’s becoming too easy to toss money on eating out?
Big money vs. little money.    It all comes from the same paycheck.  Not spending money on little things we avoid = big money.

How about that?

Sure, I’m being critical.
I know.   Maybe overly so, but if you need something – get it.

I guess it just depends on what the word ‘need’ means to a person.
Not having a drippy ceiling is part of my need categories.

Yesterday helped some with a mental reset.
I walked from Largo to St. Pete.    I’m guessing that’s ten miles plus whatever mileage I did in the mall and a park.

By the end of the day and even to today, I’m aching a bit.
That’s as intended.

I think of physical exhaustion as a type of mind-clearing reset.
According to Maslow, the basic needs of eating and sleeping are at the base.
Everything else, such as thinking and self-actualization, can’t rise (or is exceedingly difficult) without base needs being met.

So, a nice long walk undermind some of the physical stability of the pyramid and gives me some perspective.

It also gives some self-confidence.
How many forty + people with my problems can walk 10 plus miles in under eight hours?    Not that many.

I have a lot of issues, but I can do that.

Since I’m not planning on going anywhere today, I should probably get to cleaning.     The cat water fountain could use some attention as well as some other stuff.

Peace.