I feel so tired.

If it wasn’t for the super vitamin B complex pills I sneak sometimes, I’d be a lot worse for wear.

It’s not just being tired but approaching mentally exhausting along with body weary.
While the weather has been playing nice, it’s been probably close to a decade since I’ve had to go through the influxes of the beautiful fall weather. Little dips in the temperature, especially in the evening, can be quite jarring.

I’m very concerned about how I’m going to react once the coolness becomes cold, the grass fades, and winter truly sets in. I’m hoping for a mild winter and the Farmer’s Almanac is wrong. But, I don’t know if that would help. The weather is the weather. If I find it’s cold, it doesn’t matter what the temperature number is. Fifty degrees and zero could have little difference on how much I ache.

One of the most important thing is to keep moving.
Just keep moving… moving… moving…

Locking up like the tin man won’t help anyone.
That doesn’t stop me from feeling like passing out right now.

But, writing this helps.
Being around Jason and the family helps. Lots of lotion to keep my hands from feeling like paper helps. Everything helps. Even the cat, although I don’t pet him enough.

What will really help is dumping the classes. We’re on Week 6 – rough draft week – and the students have increased their annoying quota. One in particular, Laura, has been a real bi*ch. Emails. Calls. Arguments. She doesn’t read the directions and then complains about her grade. Near personal attacks while trying to gain sympathy for herself while self-congratulating on how she knows two sentences in Latin.

It’s just pathetic.

I don’t like for time to go by quickly. There’s only a certain amount allotted to a person before death. Each and every moment is precious. But, by the end of the term, it doesn’t go quickly enough. When a professor or teacher tells a student to be happy because there’s just nine days left, it’s not just for the student’s benefit. The teacher is reminding herself that she’ll be free of these little balls and chains soon as well.

Just keep moving, moving, moving.

I will be so grateful when Jason finds and keeps a job.
Yes, I love him and want him to be happy. But it’s so taxing that he doesn’t have one. I think I’m having flashbacks and nightmares from when I was the only person bringing in an income. It makes me uneasy, upset, and obsessed about every little penny that’s spent. Given that this was part of what fueled my anorexia, I think my thinking is understandable.

Honestly, I’ve become a Splenda, straws, napkins, cracker, and snack thief. If something is available for the taking, it goes right into the pocket. I’m not stealing major things, just minor, that are available to everyone.

They go home to be placed in my hot chocolate, used in salads, and for cleaning. Napkins and even bunches of toilet paper take the place of paper towels.

It’s become a compulsion. I don’t even think about it until after I get home and take off the jacket. I’m a napkin chipmunk stuffing my pockets and storing up for the winter.

I don’t like to be this way but, like I said, I tend not to realize that I do it until afterwards.

Part of what I think drives this is that I’ve all but given up on berating Jason about his spending — about eating out — about buying expensive things — about anything I find extravagant or unnecessary. This is my form of retaliation and ‘taking care’ of the house. I guess….

I don’t know.
I’m just really struggling. Still. Even after being in the new house for over a month.

But, there’s also the hope of if (WHEN) Jason starts a job, I’ll be able to shift my concentration back to myself a little. I feel like I’m so focused on him that I’m not taking time for myself like going to the gym, watching my YouTube, or even writing. There are even a couple of books I want to read and haven’t gotten more than a few sentences in.

Jason isn’t stopping me from doing any of those things, of course. I’m sure that he supports me. I’m denying myself. I get that. But, still I do.

Nine more days until classes are done.
Just keep moving… moving… moving…

At least next term, for better or worse, I only have a single class and it’s mostly a snore fest. There are only two papers involved. Their focus is on grammar and, if the student has a free Grammarly account and corrects their errors, it’ll be an easy A for them. I’m not going to look too deep.

Course, that means half the paycheck. But, if I want to keep the free health insurance, I don’t want to jeopardize that. Regardless, according to Jason, I don’t have anything to worry about (right now) anyway.

I’m making this a lot harder on myself than it needs to be.
I know.

Things will get better.