Another day in the life.

Day three… potentially day three here in room T524. 
I don’t know if I’m leaving today or have another night but here I am on the other side of a rough night.

Last night was far more difficult to fall asleep than before. 
I don’t know if it was just because I’m feeling a little better or what, but I was still mentally pliable at two am. 
By the time I started to finally doze off, the stick parade began.

First, I was stuck for a sugar test.
Some half an hour, stuck again for a full blood panel.
Maybe an hour after that, I was stuck again for sugar.
And, maybe half an hour after, someone came to stick me for a thyroid level check. 
Somewhere in there, I was stuck in the stomach with a blood thinner. 

By the time I got myself mentally prepared to shut down, someone came in to do one of my favorite things in the world… hit me with a needle. 

I understand. 
But what was really upsetting is that I tried to plan.  I knew I needed to shower and would have to get in line and wait.
The moment mom and Jason left last night, I put in my request and thought it would be an hour or two. Well, no.
I didn’t get a shower until about midnight. 

I spent well meaning hours where I thought I was planning and maybe helping the staff get me out of the way… but, no. 
I think I was becoming mentally ill by sitting in my bed stewing in my bodily fluids and smells when all I wanted was a nice… not hot… never hot showers in hospitals… shower so I wouldn’t smell like piss, sweat, and nasty. 

But, I tried. I tried to sleep last night and it just didn’t happen.

At least I was considerate enough not to set off the bed alarm last night.
Hopefully my neighbors got more sleep than I did.

I ordered breakfast. 
I ordered… I ordered a lot.
And I pre-ordered lunch for the hell of it. 
I hope to save the cafeteria time and me some trouble. 
If still here, I’ll pre order dinner and hopefully help someone plan a little. 

Breakfast is already here. 
I’m actually kind of excited. I’m trying to get better and since I don’t pay for any of this directly, I’m trying different things. Like peaches. I downed some cold diced peaches and it wasn’t bad.  I have diced cantaloupe, skim milk, rice krispies, diced pears, and I’m going to mix some cinnamon with splenda in the rice krispies. I threw up the omelet from yesterday so I got another one to try to eat it again. 

I don’t know if I’ll eat it all or even a little but I’m giving myself the opportunity too. 
Course, the lady I ordered from kept asking “is that it.”  Every time she said “Is it it?” I wanted to add more and more. 
NO. I’m trying to do better. That’s not IT. 

I even started a free PPV movie on the really horrible TV instead of Youtube this morning. The free movie = D&D Den of Thieves. The quality of the TV is something from the early 80s with the shitty reception and hiss in the audio but I’m trying something different. 

I’m doing it by myself. 
I’m giving myself permission. 

It’s so hard… I know others wouldn’t think so but it is. But I’m trying and I’m excited for it. 

And last night went better. 
I had a kind of a bonus dinner and didn’t wake feeling like I was entirely destitute and starved this morning.

So, if I’m here tonight, I want to do that again. I’ll order dinner and another dinner to be delivered at 7, when they close, and eat it during the night. 

I’m trying to push aside calories, and concerns about seed oil, emulsifiers… etc.
I’m trying. I’m trying. I’m trying. 

I want to get better for people I love but I need to try to get better for me too. 

And I know it can get better. At one point, I’ll have sugar free bbq and some garlic pepper from Nashville instead of the cheap pepper packets.

But I’m starting somewhere.