Much like Tuesday, this day started dark.

I’ve slept too much. Over the past day, I’ve eaten too much. I haven’t done enough. I’ve wasted too much time on things that don’t matter and not enough on things that do.

But, I’m trying.
Despite the overeating… or perceived over eating… yesterday was pretty good. I went to see Dr. Peyton. I went out to a therapist appointment, did a little shopping (which I didn’t need too. Even bought 20+ Sharpies on clearance for $4.20. No idea what I’m going to do with the Sharpies, but that’s one hell of a deal…) I attended a crappy yoga class. But it was an effort to get out.

It was to get out of my head and was, on a small scale, successful.

I’m fighting to stay out of that dark space today despite the shadows in my head. I don’t want to feel like crying today. I don’t want to be depressed.

But it’s still there.

And now it’s practically noon and I haven’t done much but a little course work. Classes suck. The students are continually unimpressive with their idiotic presumptions. Increasingly, they just can’t seem to understand that they can’t just write about what they want. They don’t understand that newspapers aren’t trustworthy.

I’m fearful for the future if entire generations believe the New York Times without question.

The staggering loss of critical thinking is scary.

Okay… to keep myself busy… I’m going to look for turkey, take off the trash, and exercise.

Yesterday, I had this ‘food rule’ that I wouldn’t eat dinner unless Jason was here. (Although I did eat breakfast without him.) I think I about starved myself waiting for him which led to me thinking I overate that evening. So, I’m going to try to break this rule today.

I’ll eat before he gets here. There’s no need for this food rule. It’s silly, right?

I have things to look forward to. For example, tomorrow this heart monitor thing comes off. Jason has a hair cut. I have a chiro appointment. Busy busy.

Next Monday, I’m spending time with the little sister. On Tuesday, I have two online therapy appointments. One with Dr. S and one with Anna, from the Charis Center. (That’s a new one, by the way. After months of being ignored, they finally reached out. I’m VERY apprehensive. What if I should go back to that type of unique hell since I’m struggling. Still. Always.)

On the 17th, I get to spend time with mom as I go in for a brain MRI and EEG.

It’s a pretty day. I NEED to try to enjoy it.

Then why do I feel like I need to cry?