It’s been tough.

Actually, it’s been scary tough – especially over the past couple of days.

Yesterday, I went to the doctor with my sister for her appointment. While she didn’t allow me to go back there, I got the gist of it and am highly concerned about what I was told.

Not only the recommended medication but that the doctor – who is well-regarded for being homeopathic and has a stellar reputation – would recommend this medication.

That’s a double negative that I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around and it’s scary.

My little sister is one of my pillars in my life and I feel that she’s under attack. There’s little, if anything, I can do to assist. It’d be like the pot calling the kettle black. I don’t know what I can do but hope and pray.

I also haven’t been keeping it a secret that I have good days and bad days. For the past month or so, my bad days have been Tuesdays and Thursdays.

For some reason, on those days, I feel like I’m drowning. I feel so alone…. despondent… depressed…. . Again, NOT to the point of self harm. I don’t know why I have to keep repeating that… (Maybe people want me to self-harm? Would that make it easier on Medicaid and society in general? To rid of the less productive people?)

Anyway, I feel so bad that when Jason comes home, it’s like finding a drop of water in the Sahara. I just want to curl up with him and cry.

But I’m not one to allow myself to cry and it’s not fair to him. His work is challenging, full of BS, and I would be belittling myself. I’d feel like a child instead of a partner.

I have a standard and a promise that I would meet any life partner half way.

I haven’t been good at keeping that for several years… especially this year with all of my hospitalizations… but that doesn’t mean that I can’t keep trying… right?

Actually trying to act like an adult instead of a child is part of that.

That means not acting child-like.

But, I guess the most distressing has happened within the past 24 hours from the Charis Center. Bookended on the little sister’s appointment, I had a session with Anna the Shrink and Heather the Dietician.

Both indicated… especially Heather… that they have no idea how I’m maintaining my weight. Both feel that I’m backsliding and will probably start losing at some point.

Any progress I feel I have made isn’t really progress. (Although they didn’t say this outright, it was highly implied).

And… um… yeah… I need to become inpatient or rejoint an intensive outpatient program somewhere.

I know I’m not perfect — far from it — and I have my dark days.

But… nothing I’ve done has been advancement?
Am I not getting better? I want to for my pillars… for Jason… for my family… Am I disappointing them? Am I not strong enough? Am I just wasting their time and my life? Do they see me as helpless? As a pet?

Probably not.
Hopefully not.

But this is adding to the drowning and dark feeling.
If anything, it’s more potent as it’s personal. It’s not an external threat but an internal one that I can’t defeat.

I don’t have control and I’m all about control.

Much like the Paris Olympics, I’m so messed up.

I don’t know what to do.