Today has been up and down.

I started on a fairly sour note.
I was up at my usual AM time, had breakfast, went back to sleep. Although I’m aware sleeping is good, I still feel fairly horrible and guilty for doing so — although I know there’s no valid reason to be awake 20 hours out of the day.

Went to the chiropractor. Had a session with the ultrasound machine. Had a massage – which was kind of okay. Emily is a bit apprehensive on pushing on me sometimes. But she was passible today but has been better. But she’s been a lot worse too.

Had lunch with the little sister. Had the roast beef dipped sandwich and a grilled chicken salad. This was a pick two from McAllister’s. It’s a pricy place to eat but a place I enjoy. Sort of.

I had mixed reactions to eating bread. I promised myself that I’d consume two slices of bread a day – and that I did. But the anorexia wasn’t happy with that. My stomach felt tight and I thought I was going to be physically ill.

(When I do eat bread, it’s spaced out. There tends to be a slice in the morning and a slice in the evening. Maybe the eating disorder/uncomfortableness was having both at the same time.)

But I wasn’t ill. Held it together and, slowly, started to feel a bit better and less sick.

Caught up on classes and did the ski machine for an hour. They physical activity helped a lot while watching a documentary on Netflix. The distraction was nice while not feeling that I was overtly burning calories just because. The ski machine specifically targets the arms of which I’m weak in. My legs are the strength.

So, maybe if I do it enough times, I’ll be able to open a pickle jar.

Looked at the classes again and caught up. Jason and I shared a protein milk together.

Now, I’m just waiting for Jason to get off work so we can go for an evening walk.

I’m not feeling joyful but not depressed either. Just kind of placid and a little tired.

But, overall, not to bad. Hopefully, I can keep this up for the rest of the evening as tomorrow I have double shrink appointments.

Charsis Center Anna and Dr. S.

Yep.
Two people who will unintentionally tell me that I suck.

I’m undecided if I’m going to indulge on my evening rice cakes. I try…. but it might be a bit overriding. Which is probably the anorexia talking. I’m certain it is.

This leaves me wondering… am I better in an inpatient setting? Would I become better more quickly?

I would like to think not but just having the idea is scary… and, if I didn’t believe that to some degree, I wouldn’t be asking myself that question.