I don’t know if I’m cold or hot.

When I wake up or just do something around the house, I feel like I’m freezing and resist the urge to play with the thermostat.

Of course, I cave because the hands feel like blocks of ice and I start shivering. On comes the heat and within about five minutes, I’m sweating.

I have to sonder if all of these micro-adjustments is part of what makes Jason itch. He uses lotion but my fairly consistent obsession might cause him to have flaky dry skin. I don’t know but wouldn’t be surprised. I think the back of my hands feel a bit scaly and that might be it.

I feel like I’m doing mostly okay, Asterix. . I was afraid that, when the holidays where over and everyone continued on with life, that I would quickly fall apart. That I would just curl into my Dark Days and never come out.

Outside of a couple of days, I’ve successfully walked the line and haven’t. Even the bad days lacked the panicked depression and anxiety. I still feel hopeless and helpless to pull myself out of that. But it hasn’t mitigated to crying or just listlessly staring at the screen for zero apparent reason.

I’ve tried to start taking an interest in playing games and shows. Like, I recently finished Huniepop. It’s an old MA rated puzzle game. I mostly log into Animal Crossing, although that game is becoming boring as heck. What’s the point besides paying for “improvements” that no one seems to care about. The game has no end and, unfortunately, no story.

I’ve played sim games before. I don’t know how much of my life I devoted to Sims and Sims II as well as the original Animal Crossing. But this one just seems so mindless. No overarching story or conflict, outside of trying to “improve” the island by destroying trees and building questionable quality infostructure.

I don’t know. Maybe I’ve changed. However, I remember how upset I was when a ‘child’ of my sim died to a random satellite falling out of the sky and another character’s fascinating grilled cheese obsession.

I don’t think I’ll find that here.

The doctor appointments continue on., which is good. I don’t feel the overreliance on them for mental stability as I did before Christmas, however.

Although I’m thrilled that I’m going to them, it’s more necessity instead of a mental crutch.

—— Since I’ve all but recovered from the consistent back infections related to the seroma, I have to wonder if the infections was part of what was causing the mental stress and instability. Maybe I instinctively knew, before the diagnosis, that there was something wrong and couldn’t fix it. Now that it’s gone, maybe the drive to find help has slowly negated. It calmed the fight/flight a bit. Maybe.

But it also helps that I have at least one lunch with the little sister a week. I see mom nightly for the hormone shot – even if it is just for a couple of minutes. – and I’ve been trying to sleep until Jason wakes.

That’s a hit and miss.
Sometimes, I’m there when he wakes. Sometimes, I’m in another room. Sometimes, I stay in bed.

But it’s better than not being there all the time. I think it makes me feel more connected.

Now, if I can just start sleeping through the night again. That, I don’t know and try every night. So far, that has eluded me. But I keep trying — without big pharma assistance.

I have to do things my own way as evidenced by completely ignoring the dentist instructions.

Yesterday, I was supposed to have my second root cannel and two teeth pulled.

The root cannel didn’t happen. There is a fairly substantial cavity underneath the crown and the crown (if not the entire tooth) would have to be replaced. That’s at least $4000 and the dentist wants a payment plan in place first.

The two teeth have been popped out. I’m not supposed to drink from a straw, chew gum, or eat solid foods for a couple of days. No brushing, flossing, or mouthwash.

I haven’t completed any oral care, but have ate solid food, chewed gum, and drank from a straw.

I felt like I was literally starving yesterday as I went from 11am to about 9pm without eating. Yogurt, jello, and pudding wouldn’t have cut it.

Fortunately, little sister brought dinner. The asparagus and grilled chicken did. No BBQ, however.

I’m not supposed to have soda, which is a fairly easy pass as I drink mostly non-carbonated beverages anyway.

So… dental is an ongoing improvement. Although it really sucks.

Next up:
A couple of fillings in a week and an implant the week after that.

I did press and was rewarded with an appointment with a deformity doctor. (I’ve heard it called a ‘deformity doctor’ and a ‘recovery doctor.’ Potatoe pa-tatoe I guess.) That’s in a couple of weeks and, I think, little sister is accompanying me to it. The office is over an hour away in a city I don’t remember ever being in.

While I don’t expect that to yield an operation date, I’m hoping to become established so, in a couple of more months of bone hormones, that it’ll be strong enough to go under the knife for readjustment.

It would be nice to have that operation and be in recovery before 2026. I’m not counting on it… again… but I don’t want to be ignored or take multiple months to establish care like the back infection took.

Actually, I’m rather afraid of that. I think it’s my next life-threatening challenge. Or, at least, well-being. If I’m not cared for, I’m sincerely afraid I’ll be in a wheel chair again but, this time, forever.

I can’t do forever in a wheelchair. I just can’t.

I’m also trying to care for the arthritic toe. But the doctor I have for that seems fairly competent and I have ongoing appointments for that.

I’m falling apart a bit around the seams. I understand that. But instead of letting it happen, I’m trying to find the care I need and have some powerful allies – like the little sister, mom, and Jason. They’re my lanterns that keep me from Dark Places.

Despite how comfortable and how much I may want to just curl into a corner in the quiet peaceful, dark nightmare world of my mind, I’m pushing forward, exhausting and physically painful as it may be.

And for those days that I don’t have any appointments, there is a house to clean. Again, however, I have trouble taking an interest in doing so sometimes. Well, all the time.

But I do have some paint.

The Tangy yellow and Cosmic Blue isn’t so tangy or cosmic in places. Jason bought me some rollers and paint so I can fix the walls or, at least, try to.

I need to wipe the walls down and paint which could take a couple of days. They’ll be scattered as it will be when I don’t have appointments and Jason isn’t around. I don’t think he’d take well to the fumes and it would be too easy for one of us to bump into the wall.

I did re-stain the kitchen cabinets and the outside porch. I’m confident I can handle the walls. I just have to believe I am.

I’ve even watched some shows. I caught up on My Happy Marriage,” which is growing a bit stale but still good. “Kinda Pregnant” is based on an intriguing concept but horrible executed for the mass market. I was semi-obsessed with the show Maid. Well, I was at the start but the more Mary Jane the main character became, the ore disillusioned I became.

I’m eating more.
Still, limited carbs, oils, and UPFs. But more of the good stuff like protein and calcium, which leads directly into the bone recovery.

Simple everyday things people take for granted seem to be very difficult.

But, I have to try. I don’t want to go back to the Dark Place..

I’m going to be the big 5-0 here in a couple of months. I need to learn to give myself grace and not feel like an imposter. I need to feel like myself.

That can be the hard part.

But I’m trying right now.
I just need to somehow keep myself strong to handle being strong.