I feel like I have a lot going on. It’s temporary, I think, but it’s a lot.

The most immediate is that the class ends tomorrow.
Final essays were due last night and only a handful submitted. So, in theory, there should be at least ten finals plus oral presentations, plus little bs things to grade within the next 48 hours.

Of course, I have to accept them without late penalty even if they are late. Cause that’s my job on the line if I don’t. If the students are smart, they’ll have Chat GTP write the papers for them.

Well, it’s not smart. They don’t actual learn or improve anything other than develop a reliance on AI.

But it does make assignments easier to grade since they’re all virtually the same. I just check for citations, length, and references. AI is kind of like legitimized plagiarism.

I don’t think this group will use AI. The last one did but maybe not this one. They’re of an older generation. So old that one of the ladies who is failing has called me a white b*tch with a superiority complex. So… there’s that…

If she’d just write the paper and not try to reuse old assignments, there wouldn’t be that much of a problem – outside of the paper being horribly written, of course.

Okay… let’s see… certainly not a shock to me, Tires Plus messed up Jason’s oil change. I’m not sure what we’re going to do about that. Tires Plus is about an hour away.

There are a couple of choices.
– We return to Greenwood Tires Plus today. This means we cut short dinner with mom and he probably won’t get to study for the CPA. I’ll become frustrated because I can’t straighten the house like I usually do and be fearful that I’ll fall behind on coursework.

– I take the car in tomorrow after appointments while he works from home. Again, this is an inconvenience and I’ll probably panic a bit over potentially getting behind of coursework.

– Somehow, he gets off work early in time to go before they close. Again – coursework.

— Tuesday, he might be able to make it to Tires Plus after work, although I kind of doubt it. I’ll be out of commission cause of the foot surgery. Also, if it’s losing oil, the car could be damaged.

– We attempt to find a place or get someone out locally to fix it today or tomorrow. Again… coursework… not sure if we can find anyone… and this would probably cost something.

So… tons of bs over which is probably a loose screw.

I understand why Jason likes Tires Plus. Silas, the manager of the one in St. Pete, was awesome. The history of car service is all in one place. However, although friendly, this place has shown to be incompetent a couple of different times. Mistakes happen, but it’d be nice to deal with locals instead of making the trip up there sometimes.

Next up is, of course, the foot surgery. I’m told it’s going to be painful and that I’ll have difficulty walking during the healing process of about two months. Unlike the seroma, back, and other operations, it seems kind of unnecessary. The arthritis is starting to become more prominent and it is starting to become increasingly painful. But it’s not anything that I can’t handle right now.

Still, if it doesn’t happen now, it will in the future. The recovery time will be longer and the operation more intense. This isn’t something that’ll just go away. I know that. And it’s best to be in and out of recovery before I have to start mowing the grass and wanting to garden… right? I’m not getting any younger.

Better now than later if it can’t be avoided… but it still seems kind of frivolous. Unlike the other operations and procedures, I’m just not fully behind this one no matter how much I rationalize it out.

Physically… I’m in a lot of pain. Don’t tell anyone but the arthritis, drastic 30 degree change in weather, and everything else has been exceedingly wearing. My neck feels like it’s encased in an iron diamond brace. Not flexible. Tight. Continual pain and discomfort. Thank goodness for Emily and, even more, that I allow myself to have a massage once a week.

If this was a year ago, I couldn’t and wouldn’t justify the expense. But now, yeah. I guess that’s just an indicator of how much I’ve fallen.

That brings me back around to one very sore spot. Little sister and I finally saw the sainted deformity doctor last Thursday. Deformity…. reconstructive… whatever doctor.

I was hoping that there would be some sort of light at the end of the tunnel. I know that he couldn’t do anything now because of the osteoporosis and weight (although I * think * I’m getting better… ).

I just really wanted to make contact and a plan. Maybe in two months, I could be seen by him again for monitoring. Then, when I hit some sort of threshold, I could undergo the spine surgery and finally become well or, at least, negate some of the chances for my ending years being in a wheelchair.

But… no. I was shut down.
He said my osteoporosis was sever, which was something the other doctors didn’t say in so many words.. Should my body rebuild, if at all, going from the six density that I am now to eight is difficult, if not impossible.

The years since the uterine cancer has deprived me of estrogen, the high dose of incorrect thyroid medication, and years of malnutrition from anorexia has made bone recovery exceedingly slim if non-existent.

Although some of those factors are improving… the thyroid medication has changed and, although the weight is low, I’m not lacking in nutrition. I’m actually on a low dose estrogen patch now to slowly introduce it back into my system. First, the doctor wants to see how I tolerate it with an expectation to increase in a couple of months. Mom, bless her, has been consistent with the dispensing the osteoporosis hormone injections every day.

—– Although the shots are only allowable for two years. If I haven’t rebuilt by then, my chances of that glorified spine surgery are even less.

It just left me feeling that the best health and body that I will have is * right now.* I can only go down from here despite struggling to improve and that a lot of what caused this was beyond my control…like the estrogen and thyroid.

The spine operation is major. He said they’d remove my stainless steel bars and, essentially, reconstruct portions of the spine entirely. It’s a 12 plus hour operation with two or more weeks in the hospital. Out of hospital recovery would be a year or more.

He was 110% certain that I would have complications like heart issues, infections, and whatnot. It would be unethical and irresponsible for anyone to take me on for correction now and probably in the future.

I see that.
I understand his situation and where he’s coming from.
I appreciate that he’s being ethical, blunt, and honest.

But… at this point… I don’t care.
My goal is to have this beast… this limitation of my spine… corrected. Removed. It’s almost like how I felt about the cancer.

I don’t want it. I didn’t ask for it. I want control and I want it gone. Even if there is hell to pay.

It’s not going to happen, at least not for another two or three years… probably… and the pain… feeling of warring with my body and being held captive… is just going to continue.

I crave some sort of self-control.
I can’t control others, the environment, society… but I can control myself.

Or I thought I could. I had the illusion that I could.

But I can’t.

It’s humbling. Disappointing. Upsetting. And depressing.

Why bother, at this point?
Anything I accomplish or goals aren’t sufficient or viable.

If it wasn’t for others… mom, brother, sister, Jason… despite being a drain on them, why would I bother to go on?