I think what annoyed me about Liz Wheeler the other day was a combination of a number of things.

My foot, recovering from arthritis and having two pens in two toes, hurt horribly.

The weather, while trending in the warmer direction, is becoming damp and that’s causing distraction and a type of achiness.

Liz’s tone of voice, rapidness, and intensity is bothersome.

But, overall, I think it’s because so many around me are having children or becoming married. Kara, from Centerstone, was supposed to have her son last week. The chiro’s wife was due to give birth any day. Kara’s friend gave birth last week and I don’t even know her.

While it’s awesome and great that all of these babies are coming into to a (hopefully) world where they can succeed and grow with a caring family and have a advantageous life, I feel like I’m missing out.

I can’t have children. It’s just kind of a type of fomo – fear of missing out – I guess.

But it’s also a type of dread. Between the AI, government, and the grand conspiracy that may or may not be happening, all of these children may be dashed… never realized… All of these lovely children could become bitter, addicted to various substances (legal and illegal), and their goodness imbued with dyes and poisons.

So… what’s the point of having a child if they’re going to be made to suffer outside of self-satisfaction? A money sink that could hinder a couple’s financial standing and ability to survive?

I just don’t know… It’s a headache. Moreover, it’s a heartache.

I can’t help it one way or the other.
It’s just I was actually paying attention to Wheeler and it just all crashed on me.

I’ll be okay.
But I think it’s okay to morn the child that did not happen and to miss what might not have been.

But that can’t be the focus.

I hate with a passion the phase “it can’t be helped.”
It’s such BS. Something can always be done before and after a situation. There’s always an opportunity to become more educated, rationalize, and even self-rationalize — even if it’s difficult or incorrect.

It’s how a person learns, grows, and takes accountability.

In this case, however, there isn’t a reversal. I can’t turn back time. I can’t adopt a child and I don’t feel I have room to join a group like Big Brother/Big Sister. I’m not the guy from UP with the balloon house.

Maybe at one point, but just not now. I’m a bit sad and harsh. I have to pull back on these attitudes and tones when dealing with online adult students. I wouldn’t want to subject a child to it.

Also, I feel like I’m … not a victim… but a lottery winner of specific events concerning my health and weight.

I own up to being anorexic – sort of. Maybe the first time around in Florida but it’s evolved into avoiding ultra-processed foods as I don’t, with a passion, don’t want to be addicted to any substance. Even if it is Oreos.

I need control and avoiding foods that are meant to be addictive and harmful is part of that. It’s a slippery slope and I tread very carefully.

But, beyond that, the thyroid isn’t balanced as yet. Which works against me.

My body used Armour Thyroid for years as a steroid. Which works against me.

I never went through menopause and had a distinct lack of estrogen, which helps protect bone, is working against me.

And now it was found that I have lung aspirations which cause me to feel like I’m gagging on certain foods. Things that aren’t creamy or easily swallowed – which includes most carb type foods.

So, there’s that.

All of this combined with my near natural aversion to chocolate and other specifics, I guess I’m lucky that I’m maintaining my 100 plus weight.

I credit that to Jason and the devotion to protein. While I’m not on the carnivore diet, I’m pretty close with eating a lot of eggs, yogurt, and other foods. But I don’t think I could eat steak or pork with any regularity because of my lungs and the processing of those types of food. So, no bacon.

I think the foot operation has also slowed me down.
I dreaded the healing process with good reason. It limits me on the bike, walking, and other activities. That’s why the walls are still two toned and, with the weather improving, I really want to spend some time outside preparing for spring.

I can’t do that with the boot and pens. Hopefully, I only have a couple of more weeks to go on that front. It will be touch and go even after but maybe I’ll be able to take a proper shower again.

Will resuming the added activity cause my weight to go down or muscle to build or both?

Who knows but I can’t just sit here. It’s crazy. And achy.

On the other hand, I think I’ll have two classes next term. That’ll be more screen time putting up with BS students.

I don’t know but, should Jason’s student loan go up, I’ve got to do something. I have to contribute. I have to help.

Anyway…