It’s kind of odd being home today and tomorrow.

Well, I guess Tuesday and Thursdays are my typical ‘home’ days with Monday being chiro and Wednesday being Centerstone (supposed mental health).

But, with everyone becoming pregnant and new employees at the chiro, my routine has been shifted a bit. I’m not sure if it’ll even out like it was, but I enjoyed the routine.

One thing that has become constant… I hope… are lunches with the little sister. For the past month or so, we’ve met up for lunch on Mondays. It’s been a blessing to connect with her. I feel that it’s become more friendly and personable instead of just two ships drifting along. I also appreciate her more. How I could do so more than what I was is a mystery, but I do.

It just makes me ache for all of that wonderful time I spent with the baby brother at the gym and watching anime when I got out of the House.

Hopefully, at one point, I can have both – time with little brother AND little sister on a weekly basis while maintaining daily visits with mom.

Yeah, I know I’m greedy. But I feel like it’s helped stabilize me. I need that stabilization… that routine… that support… to help me figure out who I am again.

I’ve become a stranger in my own skin.

Sometimes, however, the anorexia and insecurity surface. This Sunday was a good example. Mom made processed noodles, chicken, and carrots. I tried a couple of pieces of chicken and told her it was good. And it was. Then, she kicked back saying that she wouldn’t have made me my dinner – an omelet –

That’s * not * what I intended at all. I need to feel comfortable and confident in what I eat. I do so with an egg white omelet with some chicken and veggies. I was just branching out a little and felt that my comfortable option could be threatened in the future.
—– That’s NOT what I wanted. Rather, I was just trying something a little different.

That, probably unintentionally, flared up the anorexia brain cells.

Then, this book was pushed on Jason. It was some sort of find God religious thing. Again, while I’m sure it was with a good intention, the book wasn’t asked for. It was rejected and pushed on us anyway.

Just like that eating disorder book Mom tried about a year ago.

For some reason, A = B and I become exceedingly upset about it. This was after the noodle thing. That upset me and I complained loud and proud until the damned book was taken back.

Finally, Jason took home some leftover stating that he made sure he took a lot of chicken for me.

Again…. the anorexia brain cells flashed. That was absolutely what I did not want and, again… probably unintentionally…. I became upset over the statement.

I thought… I * think… * I was doing well. It’s not anorexia but a choice to imbue in a high protein and mineral (especially calcium and magnesium) diet with processed foods kept at a minimal. I eat yogurt, jello, dyed drinks, and almond milk. But the vast majority – nearly everything else that has more than two items on the ingredient label, is off limits or kept at a very small amount.

My weight hasn’t gone up. It hasn’t gone down. It’s been hovering about 108 for three months or so now. I’m trying to sleep better. I believe I am a bit and I’m trying not to stress myself out so much.

Overall, I don’t think I’m ‘me’ yet, but on my way there in a helpful and, hopefully, healthy way that avoids adding or aggravating issues that I already have while attempting to repair (like weak bones) that I do.

That is through nutrients, exercise, and discipline.

It’s a lifestyle choice and not, exactly, a disease. I’m not a disease.

It’s kind of like someone going on a gluten-free diet when they can withstand gluten. No one is really going to question them. They won’t be poked and prodded.

Or like when an obese person rolls into McDonalds and orders a triple with a shake. Clearly, that person shouldn’t be eating that — actually, no one should — but no one is going reprimand that person for doing so.

Sunday…. I felt like I was a disease. It was like everyone I cared for was poking me with the Spear of Longius.

Not happy.

Right now, I’ve made my choices and – I think – they’re working well. They can be improved, certainly, but I don’t want to knee jerk back and go the other way..

So, for now, let me be?

Just love me.