Jason, bless him, mowed the yards on Friday.
Despite it being muggy and the discomfort it caused, he mowed.

Thank goodness.
It had been over a week and I don’t think I had the brain compacity to handle it. I’m getting better. I think I am. But I would have had a miserable weekend.

Even if I could start and finish, I would have continually questioned myself and my abilities. I didn’t want that. Jason didn’t want that for me so he did it.

Thank you.

But, something odd happened.
The back wheel of this expensive mower snapped. It fell off in mid Karen’s yard.

Jason, to his credit, found that he couldn’t repair, borrowed mom’s mower, and finished the job.

That is the healthy and logical way to handle this challenge.

After thought, if it had happened to me, I think I would have had one of two reactions.

Most probable, I would have instantly gone ballistic. I think I would have cried and shouted obscenities at the top of my lungs. This would be the fight.

Or, I would just walk away and left it, refused to touch it ever again. This would be the flight reaction.

Either way wouldn’t have finished the task. I would have been filled with shame, self-loathing, and self-disgust for days (if not weeks) afterward. I would have doubted my ability in everything and in myself.

(This is my curse and boon. I realize my own processes but seem to be helpless to alter them. Or influence them in a significant fashion.)

But, since Jason handled it, over the next week we’ll advance on repairing the mower… and… yeah… it’s okay. It’s not that big of deal. It’s something that we can handle.

If it was just me, I don’t think I could have handled it at all. I’m thankful that Jason is here (along with family) because this situation reinforces just how sad and miserable I would be without them.

And… on that note.. I was talking to mom about how, in another vein, I appreciate (and a little floored) about how ready and active Jason is to do yardwork. When we were in Florida for over fifteen years, I think I could count on one hand how many times he mowed or even helped maintain the yard.

We had these lovely trees in the front yard that simply shed branches with any type of wind. I would pick them up, rake leaves, blow off the driveway and the little water drain in front of the house. I cut back vines, weed-wacked… the whole thing.

He didn’t do so much… but now.. he is.

It’s like he’s regaining man points or something. I’ve taking on a new appreciation of him, his abilities, and the relationship in general.

Maybe this, which has traditionally been my domain, isn’t mine. It’s ours. We’re in it together.

Which, of course, brings up a shadow.
Since he could do this, where was he last year when I was becoming irrationally upset… hostile… stressed… self-disgusted… and making a general ass of myself?

I absolutely didn’t hide my distress. My mom, who I would all but forcefully come down sometimes while I mowed for moral support and often (like every time) borrowed her mower, had a first-row seat to my increasing insanity.

I’d like to think that I’m Jason’s and mom’s favorite topic to gossip about. I’m sure she would have said something if Jason was completely oblivious.

Maybe something could have happened with him so I wouldn’t be in such a frantic state today… ?

But I’m not being fair.
Jason had his own bit of insanity with the CIA exam. The last years of college were hell for him, and the CIA exam was a revisit of that hell. It was a horrendous situation that he probably didn’t feel that he would ever be in again. Over shadowed by the loss of his last job because of Biden and the vaccination, he was not in a healthy mental place.

(I think he’s better this time with the CPA… The job is a bit more stable and he knows he can do it.)

It’s like the yin and yang has switched.

Before the anorexia… in Florida… I would take on anything, anyone, any situation. I may not have known what was expected or how I could handle it, but I did it. Strength and grace.

But here, I feel less comfortable, more doubt, more …. lots of bad things. I lack the capacity or don’t feel I have the capacity to …. to be the person I was (I guess). It’s difficult to explain.

Jason showing his strength. His interest. His virality and vitality.

Greedily, I need that. I need that from the people around me. I need that continual self-assurance. It helps me believe that I’m not just a waste.

Or…. they’re just a glutton for punishment.

Or… there’s some sort of self-satisfaction of being relied on so much…

But, I think I’d prefer to think of it as affection and love. (Although that’s difficult sometimes because I’m self-depreciating.

I don’t know… it was even a trial to write this. I didn’t want too but forced myself.

I need to try to improve. No.. no try. I need to improve so the time and resources others invest in me aren’t wasted.

So, why is it so difficult?