This is seriously shameful, but I’m trying not to freak.

I’m upset that the grass is getting high and it’s been an obsession all day.

I’ve checked, double checked, triple checked the forecast. It’s promised rain.

I’ve prayed for rain. For a storm. For a sprinkle. But, nothing.

I didn’t have a whole lot of appointments today. Actually, I finished up everything early. Much earlier than normal.

In class this week, it’s finals. Stubbornly, students haven’t submitted much. I know they have until Saturday and it’s just Thursday. They have plenty of time.

But I’m waiting – hoping – for a valid distraction. For an excuse — any excuse — not to take it on myself, get mom’s mower, and just do it.

I’m petrified.

I realize this and am exceedingly angry at myself for being so. There’s no cause for it. I can do it. I’ve pushed a mower for years and years.

I could just pull out the thorn and do it now.

But… I can’t. I don’t have any excuses.
I’m frozen.

And I realize this too. I realize that I’m afraid and I’m unable to take action.

I know myself well enough to know all of this.
I still can’t move forward.

I’m useless.

And, to add stupidity on top of being a coward, I went to Wal-Mart for some fat free Redi-Whip. They are out. The other Wal-Mart is out.

I’m trying not to panic.

A little history…
Much like Oreos, chocolate rice cakes, and cottage cheese, whipped cream is my Achillies’s heal. There’s just something about it that I’m drawn too. If given a tub, I’ll down the entire thing.

I have zero control, for some reason, and never have.

I feel the pupils in my eyes contract like its methamphetamine for my brain.

I realize this and, for years and years, I avoided all whipped cream as well as the other stuff.

In my anorexia, I would punish myself if I felt like I overate. I would go days without. Just – without. And/or spend hours on the stair stepper at the gym going as fast and long as I physically was able too until I felt that I had burned off the calories, created a deficit, and provided some sort of mental torture to prevent the perceived overeating again.

In the path to ‘wellness,’ I started whipped cream again. Specifically Fat Free Redi-Whip. Yes, it costs more than Cool Whip, but it’s in a can. While I go through the cans regularly, it’s not all at the same time and becomes manageable.

It’s enforced portion control.

And, me being me, I keep the fridge as well stock as possible. The excess provides comfort. I know that, even if (I feel) that there’s nothing, it’s there. It’s a food safety blanket, essentially.

I still have a stock-pile but it’s noticeable (to me) less. And… this stuff isn’t found at Kroger, J-C, or any of those places. It can’t even be ordered from Amazon.

It is just at Wal-Mart.
There wasn’t any when I picked up my estrogen. The other Wal-Mart was out from two days ago. I know. I bought the last can.

My brain is already telling me that I need to stop consuming it. No more whipped cream in my yogurt or on jello. I need to stop until I know that I have a new source or Wal-Mart has a fresh stockpile.

Again… I know in my head that this is stupid. It’s a stupid reaction. It’s causing stress and anxiety. It’s not “normal,” although it’s normal for me.

I realize all of this and… just like mowing… I’m upset that I feel this way. That I recognize that I feel this way. I’m unable to take action – to change – and feel that I am heedlessly relying on outside influences and other people to negate thoughts and situations that I should (and have in the past) taken care of myself. Providing that I even considered it a problem.

I would just do it. Go without.
It wouldn’t even register.

But now, any disruption or irritation, paralyzes me physically. Mentally, I know it’s stupid but I just can’t make that leap.

I just can’t resolve it myself as I have done in the past.

So, instead, I just cry, whine, and pray for rain that does not come – despite the weather app promising an 85% to a 100% chance.

I am beyond disgusted with myself.
I’m not me. This isn’t me.

And I still can’t take action.

Why am I like this?