Okay.

So, today, I’m feeling kind of lost.

Jason is off of work.
We don’t have a schedule. No real reason to go anywhere. It’s too hot outside to do anything substantial. No events. No appointments. Class has started but there’s nothing to grade right now.

We might change the water softener filter and… ?

Jason likes days like this. Or, rather, he says he does. There’s no structure. No pressure.

I’m quite the opposite. I’m desperate for something to do. But it can’t be fluff. It has to be substantial. And it can’t detract from what I might do later.

For example, I could change the bedsheets or scrub the shower. But, if I do that, what would I do on Sunday? Well… I might clean the shower anyway. I * should * have some assignments to grade after lunch with mom.

I have all this nervous energy welling up inside me. I guess “coping” mechanisms would come into play.

Read a book. (Nothing of interest right now.) Color a page. (Boring) Catch up on the Android games (done.) I could do the American thing and shop online for junk that I’ll use once and toss (but I’m broke) Shop for things that I’d like but don’t really need but want anyway. (but I’m broke)

Just do something… and I am. Right now.

I’m writing this.

Even as I am, I feel like it’s a complete waste of time. I need to do something but what?

I should slow down. I should enjoy it. Tomorrow, we’re thinking about going out.

But, when we do, I mostly stress out about getting back on time and staying current on the class. Going out is an irritation.

Staying is an irritation.

So, um… I’m just not satisfied.

Why am I like this?
Why can’t I just enjoy it? Like I used to?

I used to look forward to holidays.
What happened to me?