Thought-examining post.

I’ve noticed something.
If I feel forced to do something, or if there’s an activity, situation, or person I’m uneasy about, I don’t want to do it.

I don’t want to meet the person. I don’t want to leave the area. I don’t want to alter my routine. I will feel anxiety and depression, and reason out 1001 ways why this shouldn’t happen, and I shouldn’t participate.

I don’t trust the system.
I don’t trust myself, even if I have done the activity before. I feel that it’s wasteful; time could be put to better use, and whatever it waswon’t be helpful. It’s too expensive. It’s wasteful. It holds little value – mentally, physically, or otherwise. Whatever it is will get better if I can just tolerate it long enough.

I can come up with a lot of excuses, ranging from a trip to Greenwood to self-care to even a special trip to Chicago. Even staying in the hospital for whatever.

It certainly did when I started the oxygen casket. I felt that it would be disruptive, have little (if any) use, and would be an extreme disruption as I would have to be there every weekday. I wouldn’t have time to do my usual stuff… not that it was all that important…

These reasons tend to discount the other person. Chicago’s trip was thoughtfully and carefully planned, saved for, and executed. It was unlikely to happen again in ten years. A trip to Greenwood is squeezed into a limited time frame – of about five hours – although two hours are spent driving – it’s a break from local drudge and a call back to the mall rat era. Yes, hospitals can be confining and more than a little controlling, but really not that bad (in a way) as responsibilities kind of just vanish.

It’s the same with the oxygen casket. I went through my 40 sessions. Was never late. Got to know the staff – Amy, Zack, Corie, Hannah, Sarah, Nicole, ect…
I took them candy and scarves for Christmas.

I think the main thing is that the more I don’t want to do something, the more I don’t want it to end once I become invested.

I didn’t want to leave Chicago.
At one point, I didn’t want to leave the hospital.
I kind of wished I’d have more time in Greenwood to explore the stores — although the broke/no money thing is real. I don’t endorse mindless consumerism so it would be a real waste of time – but I still like to look.

And I didn’t want to stop going to the oxygen casket. If I were assigned another 40 sessions, I would be okay with it.

Although it limited what I did during the day, it provided structure, allowed me to continue hanging out with my sister, and got to see people and connect – although briefly and superficially.

And now – I’m switching back to more uncomfortable sessions. I used the oxygen casket as a means to stave off visits to other doctors and to mental health professionals.

The nutrition and my mental health, I think, were improving or, at the very least, starting to stabilize. I haven’t been upset about class so much, and I DID do some self-care – without prompting – on Christmas Eve. That never happens.

I’m not considered underweight. Just barely in the normal, but not under. That hasn’t happened in years.

Yes, I’m still and always will be a picky eater – but I’m eating consistently. Even if it makes me uncomfortable, I’ve been eating.

I’ve even cut myself some slack on the morning bike rides. If I’m sleepy, I’ll actually go to sleep instead of pushing it.

And – poof.

I’m afraid I’m going to become unstable – just like gold.

It’s draining to be afraid all the time.