after thoughts

Don't live the American dream. Live your dream.

anorexic

  • 9/7

    I’m kind of surprised that I’m doing as well as I am. The fluctuation in temperature from warm to cold has left me extremely stiff. My back is starting to bleed from the wound again. My joints ache. Of course, there’s the ongoing struggle to sleep and the change of thyroid medicine has left me… Read more

  • 9/3

    Jason is in Indy until Thursday evening. The state is having its annual get together where they all get drunk… I guess. They network and go to random seminars and whatnot on the tax payer dime. I think it’s good. It’s good for him to get out, although I wish he would have remembered to… Read more

  • 8/30

    Well, off he goes. Jason went to take part two of the Certified Accounting Test. I feel that I have to spell it out because if people thought he was testing for the CIA it would be insulting. I’m at the house today. There’s no real reason to go out save for dinner. But I… Read more

  • 8/22

    A couple of days ago, I felt almost broken. Not fully broken mentally or physically. Just severely cracked. I think I was feeling kind of peaceful. Kind of accepting. There wasn’t a reason to struggle or fret. I certainly wasn’t in the ‘everything will be okay’ camp but was just tired. It takes a lot… Read more

  • 8/18

    Today…. today, I’m trying not to be as stressed out as I’ve been all week. I’m trying to keep the insanity, panic, and anxiety to a minimum. I’m trying not to feel guilty, unloved, or upset. Rationally, I know there isn’t a need for any of those emotion. They don’t apply. There’s a lot of… Read more

  • 8/15

    I was supposed to have an online appointment with Heather, the Charis Center Neutralist, this morning. I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t do the BS dance with her as I’m not following the f*ucking pink meal plan. I have no intention of following said meal plan and just didn’t feel like trying to pretend… Read more

  • 3/12/2024 pt 2

    I need to calm down. I’m not sure why but I’m buzzing with energy. I feel tingly like there are ants just underneath my skin. They’re running up my nerves to my throat and making it tight. It was a good day. I drove the truck and it wasn’t difficult. I dumped the trash and… Read more

  • 7/4

    It’s been kind of a lonely holiday. It’s just me, chilling, all by myself.   Which isn’t bad.  My alone time allows me to self-repair and I got a lot of stuff to fix.  This is good. Didn’t go to the gym today.    Rather, I walked 145% of my Samsung step count downtown.  I’m… Read more

  • 5/12

    Okay. This is getting to be old real quick. I’ve been back at Mom’s house for not even 72 hours at this point. I came in on Sunday.   Today is Tuesday. Ever since then, I have been physically exhausted. I’ve been going to sleep around 9 or 10, embarrassingly, and not waking up until 9… Read more

  • 1/10

    In a way, I feel like I’ve been self-harming a little bit. Not like mutilation or anything like that. It’s more along the lines of anorexia.    Eating too much.   Not eating enough. Drinking milk, although I know that sets off some very uncomfortable hot flashes.  I endure stress, negative thoughts, and self-doubt which often… Read more