I made yesterday more difficult than it needed to be.

We started roaming — which is good.   We just drive around until we hit a place or something comes to mind.   It’s not planned, but kind of like going on a explore mission in some game.    We get bonus points by covering a lot of land.  Since gas is an unbelievable $1.95, off we went and ended up in Ellington/Bradenton.

Ellington harbors a decent sized outlet mall.  It was our first visit in over five years.   We really didn’t go into any shops.  That was good.  Although I have good memories of the place, I also have some fairly upsetting ones of us arguing over money and buying things.  We didn’t argue.   That was better than going.

Then we ate and went to the Robison Preserve.   There’s about a 3 mile track.  The place is a harbor for birds and plants.  So, it has a nice unkemptness surrounded by salt water.  I didn’t really see a lot of birds, but some parts are really scenic.  I took some pictures and sent the to Bo-Becca.   I should really post them here or, at least, as the opening picture.  Yeah, I’m lazy.

The weather was maybe in the mid 70s.  The sun was bright.   The wind was strong.   It was a good day.   I might even count it as one of those “pretty days” we’ve famed.   A pretty day is when a person (namely a supervisor) leaves responsibilities behind because it’s a pretty day.

Jason and I promised to spend some pretty days with each other.

Sound great, right?

What made it difficult was me.

For lunch, we went to some pizzeria and martini bar in Ellington.   We knew the restaurant had been around for a while, but we generally avoided it because it looked expensive.   We weren’t wrong.  I think a salad ranged from $13 to 16 dollars.  A plate of pasta was $16 and up.   For poor people like us, that’s pricey but this was a pretty day and the place smelled great, so in we went.

We ordered two diets and one large pizza — cilantro, grilled chicken, red peppers, motz cheese.  It looked really colorful and smelled good.  Jason ate four or five pieces.   I think I ate four.  We split the last one.   We ate before going to the park and there wasn’t any way the pizza would survive four plus hours in the car.   So, we were hungry and, to avoid waste, it all went poof — save for some crust.  Jason didn’t eat some of his.   I tend to tear off and consume the crust first.

Anyway, anorexia crept in.  I was full at a slice, definitely at two, and was feeling panicky at three.  The body was feeling exceedingly bloated, but I had a hard mental shut down and placed it on auto while we split the last slice while talking about silly forgettable things.

After, as we took a tour around the outlet mall, my mental state unfroze.   The panic and anxiety came back.  I started scheming ways to balance out the calorie bomb I just consumed.   This generally, but not only, includes, not eating anything for the rest of the day, skimping on meals for the next two day, and four to five hours of cardio at the gym instead of my usual three.

I know that it’s common for anorexic people to regurgitate what they eat in an attempt to alleviate anxiety.    I’m proud to say I never did that as I had the willpower to not eat at all, but I did think about it when I went to the restroom.

Fortunately, the restroom had a line and it would have been fairly embarrassing to do something like that will all these women around.  I also didn’t have any mouthwash or gum with me.    I didn’t want to kiss Jason with stomach acid behind my lips.

So, the pizza stayed down and I did eat a little later that night – yogurt and a 100 calorie bag of popcorn.

But… it really put a damper on my day and it was disturbing that the anxiety and self-blame came to the surface so easily.

It wasn’t like this was the first pizza we’ve shared together.    I’m sure that we’ve split meals that were more calorie riddled than this one.   But, for some reason, Miss Anorexic jumped up to say hello in a big way.

Here’s a test — not to starve today as compensation.
Even bigger is not to starve tomorrow.   No one will be around me for most of the day.   It’s easier to do that when there’s no one to worry, watch, or judge.

Today… today we’re going to see Jason’s grandmother and may hang out in a park for a while.  There are some things around the house that need to be taken care of, but it’s a pretty day.

In our 20 year relationship, there’s been a distinct lack of sharing pretty days.  There’s a lot to catch up we have to do.

Just when I think I’m getting better.