Survived Thanksgiving.

The day was pretty rough mentally, but I think I survived it fairly well.
I kept chanting ‘no whammies’ and I guess it worked for once.

First, of course, there was the whole food thing.
I don’t think anyone really appreciates the dread us anorexics go through outside of another anorexic.  Especially one that’s trying to get better.

I had this intense awareness that others where watching what I was eating.    That included Jason, his mom, some woman who knew my name but I had no clue what hers was.  These are people who remember that I refused to eat anything for multiple years and, eventually, avoided the get-togethers entirely.

I feel like I have to play nice and filled my paper plate with mostly turkey with a little bit of mashed potatoes that oozed butter.  One roll.  Light gravy.   No pie.

Next – Frozen Two.
We went to one of those theaters that have comfy leather seats.  My fall back plan was to lean back and self-induce sleep for the entirety of the movie.  But, unfortunately, that wasn’t to be.

My psychological curiosity about all things media kept me awake and I watched every bit of the singing Disney movie to its entirety – including the post scene credit with Olaf.
Honestly, it wasn’t horrible horrible and certainly not as horrible as I made myself believe it would be  I only felt slightly triggered.
It was a little cathartic that Elsa and Olaf died, although I know it was only temporary.
–  A psychological review of Frozen 2 is worth it’s own post.

Then, the shopping.
This was primarily video games from Wal-Mart and Gamestop.  That’s Jason’s haul.
I didn’t buy anything.  I was tempted here and there, but I didn’t want to keep Jason up all night while I weighed the pros and cons of spending money on myself.

I still have to have a completely solid and logical reason for buying things for myself.
It doesn’t matter what it is.  Even if my shirts have holes, I struggle to buy new clothes.  Heck, even if it’s a thrift store, I still have to self-examine the worth of the item vs. the cash outlay vs. whatever else the money could be applied to… like home improvements.

I don’t know who I have to thank for that mindset – my dad or Grandma A.  I guess it could be a combination of both but it’s stick with me for forty- fuking- something…. I’m not telling… years.

Hey, if you have children or plan to have children, be aware that what you say and do can have a significant impact on the life of the child forever and ever.  And ever and ever.

The day was really like a circus of potential triggering.

– Food
– Strange people associated with the food
–  The intense feeling of being watched and judged, rather it was true or not.
– Frozen 2
– An accomplice to money being spent

For most people, days like this are fun.   It’s something to look forward too.   If not the entire day at least some features of the day.  But nope.  Not me.

I have to take something good and make it into something to be dreaded and avoided.    Something bad.

Sounds about right.
Pathetic, but right.