Today…. today, I’m trying not to be as stressed out as I’ve been all week.

I’m trying to keep the insanity, panic, and anxiety to a minimum. I’m trying not to feel guilty, unloved, or upset.

Rationally, I know there isn’t a need for any of those emotion. They don’t apply. There’s a lot of things for me to fulfill my time and I’ve strived to add even more… like re-staining the kitchen cabinets, working on the deck, cleaning the house… Maybe even reorganizing the pantry…. At one point, I’ll need to mow the grass.

Heck, I’ve even baked cookies today. I * never * bake, providing I consider adding some butter and water to cookie mix as baking. Technically, it isn’t but technically it is since the oven was involved.

I’m just trying to chill and it’s hard. I don’t know why it’s so difficult but being stuck in fight and flight is exhausting. It’s not me.

But I’m trying to regroup. Maybe texting mom yesterday and telling her that Charis Center thinks I’m going to die horribly and painfully helped. Although I consider her responses canned, (You’re strong willed!) helped. It’s just nice to make a connection, any connection, and doubly so when it’s with a meaningful person.

I’ve centered on two situations/people today.

Yesterday, I was emailed by the advisor of a student from the class that just closed. At the assistance of her advisor and since the email was copied to my supervisor and her supervisor, I accepted an assignment that I shouldn’t. Class was closed and, in theory, that was that. But this student cried and with the acceptance of the assignment, she passed. 62% is passing.

Ds don’t get degrees. Apparently, Fs are okay!

I thought everything was good but the student is upset again and wants to turn in another assignment. It’s an auto 100 but would bump up her F to a D. While this won’t change anything… she passed… it would cause some paperwork and reinforce the notion that if you complain loud enough the rules don’t matter.

My (ha ha) integrity as a lowly adjunct doesn’t matter. I’m just a nameless, faceless, speed bump waiting to be replaced by AI.

I’m waiting with bated breath for Monday when I have to fill out the paperwork that I WON”T be paid for… class has ended… so this loser student feels slightly better about herself at the personal cost of myself.

The second thing I’ve become partially afraid and apprehensive of is how dependent I am on Jason. It’s like my self-confidence and self-worth is solely dependent on him being around.

I’m a burden to him and it’s not fair. Moreover, it’s not fair to me. It’s a far cry from the take no s*it attitude and confidence I had when I was younger. It’s a huge change from even five years ago.

He fell in love… or I think he fell in love… with the independent, somewhat sassy, cynical, and gregarious person I was. Not this clingy, upset, hot mess that I have devolved into.

I find it shameful but, like the eating disorder and Charis, it doesn’t seem like it’s something that I know how to overcome, despite how much I think and obsess about it.

What has happened to me?
How and why did I allow this?

Even more disturbing… what will I be tomorrow?