Merry Christmas.
Happy Hanukkah.

After years of those short but important phrases being all but taboo, it’s nice that they’re back. Or, at least, back until the next wave of societal flux into something else that’s basically unrecognizable and scary.

I feel like I should be cleaning the house right now. Well, it’s not really cleaning but decluttering which is a different beast all together. It’s more accessing and getting a feel of what’s in the house that’s generally not considered like toothpaste, soap, food stuffs like canned. Things that we take for granted, stock up on, and use somewhat slowly.

But, when it’s gone, it’s gone. Sales and discount opportunities could be missed. So, this is good. It continues with my overall attitude of being the ant instead of the grasshopper. I’m storing and preparing… for what I don’t know…. instead of quickly hopping around and cleaning.

I just haven’t written anything here since the hospital. I wanted to touch base before plowing into the back room and trying to organize clothes and drawers for a while.

Overall, I’m feeling okay. While I’m not ecstatic and still achy, I’m doing pretty well. I haven’t felt that deep and scary depression or overwhelming anxiety. Yes, it’s still there but not to the point that I’ve felt mentally disabled and physically stunted by it.

I am fearful that it will appear after the holidays and life returns to ‘normal.’ I don’t want that. It’s not me. But after wasting away days, weeks, months, and probably years, I’m fairly realistic. These sanity islands, like what I feel that I’m on now, won’t last even though I desperately want them too.

Physically, I think I’m better. The back is all but healed. There isn’t any infection, so far, and the (hopefully) the seroma will never bother me again for what little years I have left.

Again… I have to be realistic. I will be fifty next year and dad’s side tend to burn out around sixty. Sixty-five is a stretch. If I’m ever going to accomplish the life-long goal of actually pissing out a novel, I need to do it soon since my track record isn’t the best. I’m my own worst enemy in that regard.

Next up is bone strengthening and teeth. Now that the infection is out of my back, it’s time to remove the infection from my gums. I’m not really looking forward to either as shots are needed and the dentist isn’t that fun. However, it’s something that needs to be done… I guess…. and it’s best to do it now just in case the world falls apart.

I’m actually cautiously optimistic that won’t happen with heavy emphasis on the cautiously. That’s mainly because of the election and Jason completing … and passing … the CIA exam. Just maybe the future is a teeny tiny bit more secure than what it was last year. Just a micro smidge.

Jason hasn’t passed the CIA exam yet. The test is Friday. I hope that Trump and his rag-tag team of disruptors will raise some hell… I can’t but remember being burnt in the past by politicians. No one receives that type of power and support without knowing people. Jason and I’ve experienced that on a micro level with his job (pre government) situation.

(Aside… Good example. Coke is fearful that it will be removed from the SNAP program because of MAHA. To help hedge their bets, the world’s largest plastic producer (Coke) is hiring additional lobbyists and is going to all but fund Trump’s inauguration as a quazi-hidden bribe.)

Trump is easily the lesser of two evils. Per the news, there’s been a rush of abortions, sterilizations, and same-sex marriages. If Harris would have won, there would probably be an exceedingly high suicide rate and people trying to move out of the country.

Given that the end of the year is a week away, it’s rather unlikely that I’ll have another hospital stay… not that I don’t mind them. The ones in St. Francis have been helpful although IU Methodist was a complete nightmare. I’m more than a week out from the hospital so I don’t think I’m going to be shipped to a psyche ward at this time.

I’ll never rule it out as it is a very real fear. But one I think I can lay to rest for the minute.

Bryant has yet to load up a class for me to work on. That’s a bit annoying as I like to prep everything, and the delay does cause some small anxiety. What if I don’t have a paycheck…. ? I’d hate to ask for a gas allowance. Last term, however, went pretty well. I didn’t have any students become upset and ask to be transferred. I don’t think my annual evaluation was stellar, but I passed and really don’t care about improving at this point. It’s not like it’s linked to a raise, or I’ll be hired full time. For my anniversary ‘card,’ no one even signed it. It was just a pre-printed landfill item with a crappy bumper sticker. Both of which met the trash in less than two seconds.

Even the threat of the feeding tube feels like a bad dream. Although that may be foolish of me. I had blood work for insulin a couple of days ago. It came back normal-ish. The low end is 1.9 and I was at 1.8. Whatever that means. It might be an indicator of Type One diabetes. I could see the doctors trying to push the feeding tube back on me.

But that’s a battle for another day, I guess.

Not today.

Today, I’m in an ant mind set. I’m preparing for something…. I don’t know what, exactly, if anything.

It’s Christmas.
I got to have dinner with everyone in the world I care most about. I ate what I was comfortable with and have good leftovers for later. Despite the cold, aches, and financial instability, I’m — almost — feeling like me.

The old me.
The stronger me.

Almost.
But I’ll take that over the alternative and pray that I can hang on to this feeling and personal strength for the years to come.