Now that Christmas as steamed rolled by, everything will start to become ‘normal.’

I’m not looking forward to normal. Normal often leads me to dark spaces in my mind, anxiety, becoming upset, desperate, and a very unhappy me. I

I fear that I will become unstable. Not that I’m stable now… but just having people around me helps keep me level.

Not that they won’t be there in the coming months. They will be as they’re gluttons for punishment. But, somehow, it feels different. The holidays aren’t there to provide an excuse or a backdrop. To me, it feels more like an imposition — which it probably isn’t — but it doesn’t matter what it is or isn’t. It’s what I perceive it to be that’s rather damning.

And it isn’t like I don’t have things to do. I want to touch up the walls with paint, continue to de-clutter the house, and probably redo the announcements for ENG202. There’s some small errors in them and I’ve been using the same ones for years. I guess it wouldn’t hurt to place a little effort in my job.

— Providing that next term class actually appears. It should have been there weeks ago and hasn’t shown up. I’m becoming a little concerned about that.

The shrinks playing with their behavioral ‘modifications’ to help improve me and cause deep seated doubt will begin again. Or they’ve tried to start. I accidently missed one and have continually delayed another for about a month.

They make me uncomfortable and upset – which is probably good in a way. Maybe. I guess my (allegedly) self-harming habits should be challenged. But the more they do so, the more I grind my hooves into the dust. Is there such a thing as being overly analyzed? Or do I just take it too personally?

Either way, I guess, it keeps me busy. But that type of busy leaves me fearful – like they’re going to feeding tube me along with a brainwashing serum that’s T-Virus level in the forced nutrients.

It’s an ongoing battle and the doctors that can be helpful insist, refer, nag, or even potentially refuse to treat in some situations if I don’t place myself in potential harm’s way mentally

The one doctor I wanted to see, Dr. W, was denied. Since he’s not covered by Medicare, I would have to self-pay. If I do that, it’s medical fraud in my state as a requirement of state Medicare is the inability to pay for doctor visits.

So, that was denied.
I was really looking forward to Chelation. Everything I read seemed that it could be helpful, and mom recommended it. But – nope. That’s denied. Because of course it is.

I guess I get the rule but it just seems like a way for the state to reign in and endorse state-approved doctors and practices.

Jason takes the final part of his CIA exam. It’s been kind of hellish, I know, that he put himself through all this. The CPA exam might be on deck for 2025. I think he should get it but it’s not up to me. I’ll love him regardless.

It’s just that the world is crazy. I’m happy Trump won but I don’t trust the system or him. Trump making too many promises and threats that I don’t think he can follow up on. I don’t like Elon as he’s too entrenched. I like RFK but he’s facing some strong head winds from Big Food and Big Pharma that I don’t think he can beat.

It’s too little too late and too weak.

I’m debating– Should I see Nosferatu?
I kinda wanna and I kinda don’t.
It’s a rip from Dracula but it falls into my category of interest – literature, vampires, societal commentary, gothic.

I might.


Well…. Here we go.
Doubt instead of certainty.