I’ve been trying really hard to be good.

The euphoria from earlier this week has all btu evaporated. It dipped severely on Tuesday. Came back and evened out a bit on Wednesday with the little sister.

Today, I’m fighting to stay in even. I don’t want to be depressed but not so high that I’ll horribly crash when I eventually trip. I don’t want to fall down that dark hole.

I’ve been internally struggling with food, of course. Food. Consumption. Activity.

I’m trying not to set limits and place myself into schedules. It’s difficult.

For example, I had to convince to have something to eat — something that was substantial. I was going to wait until 2, but I’m hungry now and ate an hour early than planned. I

‘ve been trying to move myself from one ‘safe’ food to another but more substantial ‘safe’ food. Instead of sugar free jello, for example, I’ve been struggling with high protein Ensure and yogurt instead. I know it’s more calories, but healthier. Has more benefits… yadda yadda yadda… I keep telling myself that others have more and are still healthy. But, it’s like I have to override my internal wiring despite knowing that it’s better.

What I ate for lunch isn’t protein rich. It’s more of a bit of chicken and some spinach. I’ve been trying to focus back on protein and have decided to wait a little while – maybe 20 minutes – and have some yogurt before going back and looking at the class, doing laundry, and maybe baking something.

We have some bananas going bad and I’d rather use them than toss them.

Instead of being proud, satisfied, or just good, I’m struggling not to feel disgusted with myself, battling not holding myself to a schedule, and just generally feeling that I’m a useless eater who has no worth and is just a parasite on humanity.

I’m trying.
I’ve even been trying to watch anime again instead of obsessively study on doom and gloom. I forced myself to watch the few episodes of Lord of Mysteries and The Summer Hikaru Died. Jason and I are in beta for a game. I’ve actually been trying to participate.

Today the preliminary plan (schedule… there’s that word again) was to start cleaning the shed and maybe check on the lawn mower. I’d imagine that the blade is clogged with grass from when Jason mowed as the yard was really high. The shed itself hasn’t been organized for a couple of years and things keep piling up.

I don’t think I’ll get it back in shape in a day and it’s been too hot. So today I was going to try, but it stormed. We needed the rain.

There’s always next week. I just hope I’m in the mindset. I “” can’t “” fall backwards. I don’t want to go down that hole.

It’s scary.
But it’s easier to go down than up.

Next week…. next week is fairly light. I have a couple of appointments on Tuesday. Hopefully, we’ll take action on whatever is growing on my back.

Tomorrow, Jason and I have chiro and massage. That’ll be good.

Little sis has her elbow operation on Thursday. I hope she feels comfortable enough to rely on me if there’s anything I can help with.

Next week is also week six out of seven from the class. Rough draft week. Always a treat. It’s just one class, but 30 students. That’s practically two classes, honestly.

At some point, I need to call Dr. S back. I had an appointment with her last week. When I called for the Zoom meeting, no one answered. So… whatever. That’s still important I guess. I wonder if she ever gets tired of me. It’s been years and her drugs don’t do anything.

Tell you what – all this protein from the past week has really been giving my digestive track a workout. Eeep!