I feel like I messed up.

Jason found this article from someone who claimed that 70% or higher dark chocolate (non-alkaline aka. – not Dutch chocolate) has a wealth of benefits.

It has flavonoids, magnesium, anti-oxidants… ect.

After a bit of quick research, we bought a bar of Tony’s from the local Wal-Mart. That evening, with my evening pills, he broke me off a piece.

I was surprised. Honestly, I was. I initially turned it down. Dark chocolate isn’t cheap, and I didn’t feel that it was for me.

He said it was for preventative maintenance.

Nope. Nope.
I’ve had years… literally decades at this point of people telling me what to eat. That’s it’s good for me. That I’ll die or suffer without it.

It’s a weakness and I had to step out of the room.
No, I didn’t consume it.

That evening, I wasn’t in a good mood. My leg was numb and I was in a fairly foul mood. My brain wasn’t working, I guess, and I told him that I didn’t want chocolate.

Boom.
I’ve felt disconnected and fairly distressed.

Looking back, I’m sure I overreacted.
Like mom’s comments, it came from a good place. I’m certain it did.

But the way it was presented, the unexpected situation, the mood… I just rejected it. Panicked. Retaliated.

To be clear, I’m not against taking a bit of chocolate.

I immediately judged and weighed what he gave himself and me. My piece was smaller. It was a corner, which was okay.

Given how my mind works, if I eat something with someone, I look to see what they eat to be self-assured that what I eat is an appropriate amount. Or, at least what I’m comfortable with compared to what I can withstand and what is “normal.”

Although we take a lot of the same supplements and whatnot, there are some things that he does and some that I do that don’t overlap. For example, he drinks Ollipops for probiotics and I eat yogurt.

He adds his tincture to the Ollipops, and the yogurt gives me probiotics and additional protein.

It’s the same goal but different methods.

This issue… I think…. I hope… is mostly resolved. We’ve talked it out a bit, and he says he’s over it.

I just need to get over it. It’s on me.

I know what he said and did is from a good place. He, like mom, little sister, and everyone… cares for me.

Trying to tell me what to do, regardless of the context, is a significant trigger point.

For the past decade plus, religious authority figures and mental health people have attempted to dictate what I do, what I feel, and what I eat.

They’ve tried to control me through various mind-altering drugs like Prozac and Vraylar. They’ve told me that I’m going to have a painful existence and die slowly. I’ve been told that I deserve it. That I need to just ‘pass on’ so they can ” help ” other people. They’ve told me that I didn’t care for others and that I wanted to be alone and in pain.

And I used to follow them. I was a good mindless soldier – to a degree. There was something in me that didn’t buy everything that they were trying to sell.

But I got into enough to, ultimately, regret following along and hated being manipulated.

That defiant spark is still inside me and – regardless of who – when ‘do this for your own good… ‘ is imposed upon me, I just automatically reject. Lash out. Negate. Shut down.

And, although I realize this after, I’m not in the mental place where I can go back and eat the chocolate.

It’s odd.
I don’t understand myself.

I just… have to think about it. Accept, maybe, slowly in my own time.